


Someone You Loved

by ladyshmelton



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Eventual Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Remix, Songfic, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23086093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyshmelton/pseuds/ladyshmelton
Summary: A deeper look into the given scenes and those missing between episodes 2x18 through 2x20, in which Alec and Magnus are broken up.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 22
Kudos: 139





	1. Now the Day Bleeds

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into the fandom world. I couldn't stop thinking about Alec refusing to give up on Magnus, refusing to give up his protective instincts. This is the result. Constructive criticism is welcome, but if you are here just to bash, please keep your comments to yourself. It's still a learning process, as I haven't written anything like this in over 10 years. 
> 
> With that being said, enjoy! We'll see how many chapters I can milk from this thought bubble.
> 
> *Titles taken from the lyrics of "Someone You Loved" by Lewis Capaldi

The street outside of Magnus’ building is empty. It had been for hours. That will change soon, with dawn and a new day less than an hour away. Before long, mundanes will pour from their homes and make their way to jobs and…whatever else it is they do during the day. Alec isn’t too sure. For now, though, the remains dark and the sidewalks stay empty. 

Alec keeps silent watch over the street from his position in the shadows of a covered doorway across the street. While the glamour he wears will hide him from any suspicious mundane eyes, Magnus could see through it if he 00looked this way. Hence the need to stick to the shadows. Ever since Magnus left him in the hallway three days ago, Alec has held this silent vigil every night. 

Pulling his stele from his pocket, Alec carves another Stamina rune into his freshly exposed forearm. He yanks the sleeve of his jacket back down and returns his stele to his pocket. IN an hour he will need to return to the Institute to debrief his Shadowhunters for the day. The only way he can pull of these late nights followed by early mornings is to layer on any rune with a chance of helping. He spends his days filing paperwork, following up on leads on Valentine, and training. He tries to grab a few hours of sleep in the early evening, when most of the Shadowhunters are either on twilight patrol or eating dinner. However, the last few days have yielded no restful sleep…or any sleep, period. Alec usually find himself staring at the ceiling for an hour or two before he gives up.

When he closes his eyes, he sees Magnus pulling his hand away and turning to walk away from him. Time seems to slow down until finally, Magnus reaches the elevator and turns. Alec can feel his heart crumble anew. 

When he closes his eyes, he sees the pain and frustration in his eyes. It makes Alec want to drop to his knees and beg forgiveness. Looking beyond the crushing agony and guilt, he knows that he has apologized, and it hasn’t done any good. Forgiveness is only good when actions speak in terms of change and progress. Alec had preached difference and openness but, in the end, he was no better than the old male Shadowhunters who run the Clave.

When he closes his eyes, he sees the future he planned for them dissolve into dust as Magnus’ words echo through his head: “I can’t have both. I can’t have both. I can’t have both.”

Alec blinks rapidly, trying to clear his sleep-deprived brain fog from his eyes. He has no one to blame but himself, after all. Pushing those thoughts aside, he scans the street again, searching for movement or anything suspicious. Of course, everything is the same; not one thing has changed in six hours. He peers up at the windows to Magnus’ loft. The dark stillness within is absolute. Just a few hours ago they had been ablaze with light. The warlock’s shadow had been visible behind the curtains as he moved around the loft.

Just a week ago Alec might have been up there with him, having a nightcap and laughing as Magnus regaled him with another far-fetched tale from his colored past. He studiously ignores the tight pinch of his heart as his eyes fall from the windows to sweep the street once more. He knows he can’t be with Magnus anymore: can’t se him smile, can’t hear his laugh, can’t taste his lips.

He can’t do all the things he yearns to do, so he does the one thing left to him. He watches from afar and protects his once-love.

Alec watches silently as the sky begins to lighten. He can feel the time slipping away, each moment drawing closer to when he will need to head back to the Institute. Logically he knows that Magnus is safe. He is the High Warlock of Brooklyn after all. That position is not handed out to some new warlock still coming into their powers. And with Jonathan dead as of a few hours ago, there is one less threat to the Downworld and therefore to Magnus. Yet Alec struggles to pull himself from his hiding place, to leave those still-dark windows. He is a born protector. He will do everything within his power to keep those he loves safe.

Even if they do not love him in return.

From his vantage point, Alec can occasionally catch the glimmer of the wards around the building. He is always careful to give them a wide berth. It would not do to trip them and alert Magnus to his lingering. The warlock had made it painfully clear that he wanted nothing more to do with Alex. Alec allows him this distance. He allows the man he loves to pull away and do what he thinks is right even as it breaks both of their heads. 

Not all of Alec’s avoidance is for Magnus’ sake. He does have a small sense of self-preservation. He does not want to see the grief, disappointment, and pain in those gorgeous brown eyes. It would be the gorgeous brown eyes because Alec is no longer one of the few trusted individuals who are allowed to see the golden slitted cat eyes. 

The first tinges of rosy pink lighten the eastern horizon. With a sigh, Alec stands from his crouch and stretches his arms overhead. He feels the muscles begin to unkink from the tense stillness. He pulls out his stele once more and activates his Speed rune. As it stands, he will already be cutting it close to debrief time. He’s thankful he planned ahead and wore his gear. At least he is already prepared in case he needs to jump into a patrol unexpectedly. Plus, all the black clothing aids his quest to sink into the shadows.

Alec heaves a last deep sigh as he shakes out his frozen hands. Taking one last glance at the darkened windows, he steps into the street and begins his return trek to the Institute.


	2. Into Nightfall (and You're Not Here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon his return to the Institute, Alec slips in through a side entrance. He strides through the halls towards the Ops center, a purpose and determination in his steps that his heart lacks. He knows he has been going through the motions without any real drive. How can he put his heart into anything when it is smashed to pieces?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday!  
> I plan on trying to update every Monday (I have two more parts written and another two planned out). However, COVD-19 has me self-quarantining, so you guys benefit and get this chapter early. Enjoy and feel free to leave constructive criticism or love as you see fit.
> 
> EDIT: I wasn't fully happy with this chapter, so I made a few minor edits. New chapter will probably come between Saturday and Monday, depending on how the edits for that one go.

Upon his return to the Institute, Alec slips in through a side entrance. He strides through the halls towards the Ops center, a purpose and determination in his steps that his heart lacks. He knows he has been going through the motions lately. Even faking his typical focus has begun to wear and feel like a monumental task. How can he put his heart into anything when it is smashed to pieces?  
Entering the Ops Center, he quickly logs into a nearby terminal to check on the status of the overnight patrols. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches the dawn patrol returning to Ops. Isabelle leads the group, not a single hair out of place from her sleek braid. The weight of her gaze lands on him. He begins to open a plethora of reports in an attempt to look busy and dissuade her from attempting to talk to him.  
It doesn’t work.   
A hand closes around his elbow and tugs him toward a corner. Alec makes a noise of protest and vaguely waves his hand over the terminal, indicating the reports he needs to preview before the briefing. The hand quits its tugging but does not release him.  
“Care to share why you haven’t been sleeping, big bro?”  
Alec closes his eyes and releases his breath. Of course, Izzy would notice the dark bags beneath his eyes. While runes and coffee have kept him functioning after sleepless nights, they don’t remove the physical manifestations of his exhaustion. Unbidden, the image of Magnus’ face during the emergency cabinet meeting. Alec could feel his gaze, heavy with anger, pain, and disappointment, weighing him down. Yet every time he tried to catch the older man’s eye, Magnus would avert them. The careful mask of sarcastic disdain never dropped. Despite the makeup layered on like armor, Alec has been able to see the faint lines around his mouth and the discoloration beneath his eyes. Magnus wasn’t faring any better than him. However, Magnus had marched out of the meeting, following his queen without a backward glance. The metaphorical door slammed closed behind him.  
The pinching around his heart increases a few fractions. He pulls in a few desperate breaths to force the feeling away from his lungs.  
“Just Valentine. I can’t sleep knowing he is still out there.” He keeps his eyes on the terminal, skimming through a report about a small nest of Shax demons. The team sustained a few minor injuries but nothing major that would require new personnel be sent from Idris. A group needed to be sent to the site for follow-up and potential clean up, though. Alec makes a mental note to send out a team that way.  
Suddenly the reports disappear. Alec pulls his best unimpressed face as he turns to look at his sister. “Izzy.”  
“Alec.” She raises one eyebrow at him, her tone perfectly matching his. “You may have everyone else fooled. Even yourself. But I am your sister. I know your tells. How many Stamina runes have you applied in the last 24 hours?”  
A small part of him tries to count and realizes he has no idea how many Stamina runes he’s worn lately. He supposes he should feel concerned about that. However, the larger part of him works to come up with an excuse to deflect his sister. His overwhelmed brain struggles to formulate something coherent enough to send her on her way. A slight burn aggravates his skin as the most recent Stamina rune fizzles out. They last for shorter and shorter periods of time with each new one he applies. After last night’s showdown with Jonathan, he isn’t sure how Izzy is still so chipper. Not for the first time this morning, he wishes he had a coffee to help compensate for the abused rune.  
Isabelle sighs at his prolonged silence. “Alec, I’m not your enemy. I’m just worried about you.”  
“Don’t be. I’m fine.”  
Before Isabelle can argue further, Alec pulls away. He quickly ascends the stairs to the small raised platform that branches off into a hallway on either side. Facing the stained-glass window, he allows himself a moment to close his eyes and simply feel the morning sun on his face. It does not have the warming effect he hopes for, given the cooler months they have entered. Nonetheless, it is a grounding moment that allows him to center himself before he finally turns to brief his Shadowhunters. 

* * *

Three hours, four cups of burnt coffee from the coffee pot in the corner, and one sneakily drawn Stamina rune later, Alec finds himself back in the Ops Center. The wraith demons continue to fill the monitor (identified as little red dots) to his right. The group of Shadowhunters around him wait patiently for his directions. Unfortunately, his brain is steeping in a marinade of exhaustion and too much caffeine. He has no idea what he just said to them. Taking a deep breath, he decides to cut his losses and play it safe.  
“Report that to the others and get back to me,” he orders. To his relief, they disperse. He turns his attention back to the terminal and taps at it idly.  
Naturally, Izzy chooses this moment to interrupt his silence, refusing to allow his brain a few short minutes to reset and catch up. “There’s over fifty of them now, with numbers increasing.”  
“And they haven’t attacked once,” Alec reminds her. He plants his hands on the terminal and glares at her. “What are they doing?”  
“I don’t know, but demons don’t usually cone into our realm to sightsee.” Izzy refuses to rise to his bait. While he appreciates it (as his ire is not directed at her), he fails to hide his frustration that she does not have the answer to this most recent problem. He glances away and exhales heavily. Unfortunately, none of the tension in his shoulders leaves with his breath. Izzy continues, “We need to find the rift where they’re coming from and seal it.”  
Alec sighs again and nods minutely. He can feel Izzy’s eyes on him. He knows what she is thinking. Hell, he is thinking the same thing. “We’ll need a warlock for that,” he hedges, refusing to meet her eyes. He tries to focus on any of the Shadowhunters milling around them, desperately searching for a way out of this conversation. The emotions are still too raw for him to talk about this without his voice cracking at least once.  
“Not just any warlock. The most powerful one in New York,” Izzy asserts.  
Alec hangs his head in frustration. He does not want to have this conversation right now. He can barely muster the brain power to brief a team of Shadowhunters, let along verbally spar with Izzy. Letting out a sigh, he pushes himself upright and glares at his sister. “Magnus is not interested in helping the Shadowhunters,” he reminds her. “He said so himself.”  
“He still also thinks the Seelie Queen is on their side. He needs to know about the deal she made with Valentine.”  
“Well, not from me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Alec holds Izzy’s stare. He doesn’t bother attempting to keep the pain from his face or his voice. What she is asking is not something he can do. She should know that. She claims that she knows him so well, yet she is going to ask this of him. He can see it in the determination swirling through her deep brown eyes.  
“Don’t make this personal, Alec!” she whines.  
“I’m not!” he exclaims. He continues to maintain eye contact, refusing to budge and offering no more explanation. He doesn’t owe her one.  
Izzy sighs and rolls her eyes. “If you don’t ask him, I will.” She gathers her jacket and makes her way towards the front door.  
Alec tries to let her go. He tries to return to the terminal and whatever new information awaits there. Magnus will not respond well to Alec appearing suddenly at his door. If he had any common sense or kind of self-preservation, he would allow Izzy to be the one to speak to Magnus. Perhaps he will allow her into the loft for a conversation, despite her Shadowhunter status.  
“Izzy, wait.”  
The words leave his mouth without his approval. Apparently, the brain-mouth filter shuts down after too many days on runes and coffee. Izzy turns to look at him, the barest hint of a smirk on her face. Alec summons his best unimpressed glare back to his face. He knows he’s been had. She baited him and he fell for it. Truthfully, he never had a chance. Even as he glares at Isabelle for setting him up, his heart twists with a confusing combination of pain and hope. Magnus turned down every opportunity to speak with Alec after their breakup. Just because they found themselves in a sticky situation doesn’t mean he will suddenly relent and forgive and accept Alec’s pleas. They need his help. But Magnus owes them nothing. Getting the warlock to listen to him for longer than the time it takes to slam the door in his face will be difficult. Luckily, Alec has the entire walk to plan.


	3. To Get Me Through It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finds himself on uneven ground. The fun, flirty Magnus he has grown accustomed to has warped into this bitter, vengeful version.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! Welcome to a new chapter with no dialogue or action from the TV series. This is a total brain child of mine and is one that I struggled with and agonized over for at least a week. Feedback is welcome! Enjoy lovelies. <3

The winter wind cuts through Alec’s jacket the moment he steps out of the Institute. Although the sunshine burns at peak midday intensity, the wind drops the temperature by several degrees. Alec shoves his hands into his pockets, hunches his shoulders, and briskly sets off in the general direction of Magnus’s apartment. He doesn’t bother with a Speed rune. Though the demons remain a significant threat (despite their lack of attacking), he needs the time spent walking to formulate an argument that will convince the warlock to help them close the rift.

Once upon a time, just a simple text to Magnus would be enough to guarantee his (now ex?) boyfriend’s assistance. Alec barely would have needed to explain the situation before his boyfriend would agree to help. Of course, Alec isn’t naïve enough to believe this generosity extended to all Shadowhunters. He knows Magnus helped them because of their relationship. For a brief moment, he pauses his pondering to consider how much money Magnus lost by dating a needy Shadowhunter. It must be a significant amount; Magnus has something of a reputation of overcharging for his services. Alec has faint memories of his parents complaining about “Warlock Bane and his outrageous fees.” 

Alec feels his lips tick up into a small smile as he recalls having a similar conversation with Magnus. Their relationship caused him to set aside that principle and help Alec and his reckless group of friends out of the goodness of his heart.

But with their relationship officially over (and would he ever adjust to that painful pinching around his heart when he remembers?), Alec finds himself on uneven ground. The fun, flirty Magnus he has grown accustomed to has warped into this bitter, vengeful version. The debacle with the lost Soul Sword caused this hidden side to replace the carefree person he came to know and love. Alec knows this transformation is his fault. If he had trusted Magnus from the start and told him about the Soul Sword, then they would not be in this position. He would not be struggling to find the right words to convince the warlock to help them. He had been blinded by the Clave and his duty to them. Again. He had promised to change and to start thinking for himself. After the mess with the trackers and taking a hair from his innocent boyfriend, Alec had vowed to work harder to think for himself. On his knees before his boyfriend before they fell into bed together (and Alec resolutely does not think about what they did in that bed), he had vowed to no longer blindly follow the Clave.

But he had done just that with the Soul Sword.

“Walk sign is on. Walk sign is on. Walk sign is on.”

Alec glances up as the herd of people around him begins to cross the street. With a start, he realizes he is only three blocks from Magnus’s loft. And no closer to having a valid argument now than when he left the Institute. In his panic, he freezes in the middle of the street. What is he going to say? He can’t just walk up there with no rehearsed speech. He is awful with words, everyone knows that, and whatever word vomit he sputters out will surely only cause Magnus to hate him more and refuse to help them and eventually the demons will attack and it will be his fault because he couldn’t convince his ex-boyfriend to help close the rift –

For the second time that day, a hand snags his elbow and pulls, this time dragging him across the street. Alec startles out of his impending panic attack as he makes it to the other side.

“I could hear you overthinking a block away, Alec. What’s wrong?”

Izzy continues to pull Alec until they are safely tucked away in a tiny alleyway between a bodega and a used electronics store. She tries to catch his eye. He keeps them carefully pointed towards the rusty fire escape above them.

“What are you doing here, Izzy? I thought you were staying at the Institute to monitor the demons.”

“There’s no better way to monitor them than to get close and personal. I’m here to help you and Magnus close the rift.”

“You know he hasn’t agreed to help us, right? We’re still a few blocks away from his loft.” Alec deflates a bit as he remembers he has no argument that will convince Magnus to help them. He slumps against the grimy alley wall. “I don’t know what to say to him, Izzy. How am I going to prevent him from slamming the door in my face?”

Izzy’s hand slips around his and squeezes gently. Her words are soft. “He still loves you, Alec. He is just a little bit lost right now, as are you. If there is anyone he would listen to right now, it’s you. All you need to do is be honest with him. No more secrets, Alec.”

For a moment, hot anger flares in his gut. He kept secrets, yes, but hasn’t Magnus done the same? Hadn’t Magnus omitted the truth, danced around it, played his word games to confuse and distract Alec? At least Alec’s lies stemmed from protecting the entire Downworld from devolving into chaos. What good did Magnus’s secrets do? They only caused Alec worry, vulnerability, anger, and no small amount of embarrassment as he tried to live up to the untold tales of 17,000 lovers. As he tried to understand the horror of Magnus’s childhood without knowing any of the details. As he tried to love and protect the man he loves more than his own self.

Just as quick as it flared, the fire of anger fizzles out. Alec slumps more heavily against the wall, his knees buckling slightly. Just like Alec, Magnus did what he thought was best in order to protect Alec. Even if those actions ended up as a misguided attempt to protect his feelings, Magnus did his best with what he had available. Alec did the same. Though their endings had two drastically different consequences, they share more similarities than not.

Alec nods blindly. “No more secrets,” he whispers.

“He’s still Magnus. He helps people because that’s who he is. You just need to remind him of that. Don’t let him get lost in this war, Alec. Don’t allow him to lose himself to the Queen’s deception and the war she is brewing.”

Alec doesn’t see her as Izzy drops his hand and steps back. He sees Magnus summoning Valak to help Clary in her futile mission to regain her memories. He sees Magnus giving everything to save Luke after he nearly died in the fight for Alpha of the werewolf pack. He sees Magnus planning and executing a beautiful rune ceremony for Max, despite his turbulent relationship with Maryse. He sees Magnus fussing over him after he came out of the come from attempting to track Jace through their parabatai rune and the adamas stone. 

“You’re right, Izzy.” He dutifully ignores the hoarseness of his voice. Those are absolutely not tears stinging behind his closed eyes. “He is a helper. He won’t turn us down because even when he’s angry, his sense of duty won’t allow him to ignore those in need. We can’t ask him.”

“Alec, he is the only one we can ask! There is not another warlock in New York strong enough to close the rift.”

He heaves another sigh. Again, she’s right. Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn; his magic outmatches any other warlock in New York City. They need him to do this, as guilty as Alec feels for asking and forcing this issue upon him.

“You’re right,” he quietly concedes. 

“Damn right I am!” Izzy smacks his arm lightly. She rubs the spot she smacked. “He’ll listen to you, Alec. Just go in there and tell him the truth.”

With one last nod, Alec pushes away from the wall. He pulls Izzy into a quick hug before leaving the alley. It only takes him a handful of minutes to reach Magnus’ building. The wards shimmer into existence when he gets close. He pauses one last time just outside the wards. Magnus will know someone is coming for him the moment Alec crosses the faintly shimmering line. This is his last moment to back out. So, Alec pauses.

A sharp cry echoes from overhead. Alec doesn’t have to look up to know the demons overhead have continued to increase ever so slowly. Mind made up, Alec steps through the wards.


	4. I Let My Guard Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that is the crux of the issue, isn’t it? Alec had finally allowed himself to drop his guard around someone. All his life, he hid his sexuality, fearing the consequences of allowing himself to just...be. And then Magnus swept into his life. Covered in makeup and glitter, he forced Alec to acknowledge that he was undeniably, irrevocably gay. Given the whirlwind nature of their relationship, Alec isn’t surprised that he managed to fall in love with the sparkly warlock...only to have the rug yanked from beneath him when Magnus left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly Saturdays are going to be my upload days now. Anyway, enjoy this chapter! Most of this dialogue comes from the episode itself. I give all credit for that to the episode. There is quite a bit of introspection in here, though not a lot of protective!Alec. We'll see more of him in a few chapters!

Alec paces outside of Magnus’s door, trying to work up the nerve to knock. Of course, he already made it this far. The wards already alerted Magnus to his presence, as vague as that may be. It is simply a matter of time before Magnus takes initiative, comes to the door, and sends Alec away. That or Izzy will come up because he is taking too long. He texted her while riding the elevator up, asking her to hang back and let him handle this. She agreed, but only if he returned within fifteen minutes. Glancing at the clock on his phone, he realizes he has already used up ten of those fifteen minutes on his anxious pacing.

It’s now or never.

He takes a deep breath and knocks.

Before he has time to lower his hand, the door opens. Alec allows himself a brief moment to analyze his ex-boyfriend. Magus looks... _tired_. Sure, his makeup lays flawless upon his skin and his clothes fit perfect as always, but the bone-deep exhaustion betrays its presence in the way he holds his body and the tense set of his mouth. Alec knows that if he catches Magnus’s eye, he will see the exhaustion there, too.

But Magnus doesn’t allow him that opportunity. He glances to either side of Alec, never once looking directly at him. Whatever he doesn’t see causes him to step back and begin to close the door.

“Magnus,” Alec all but sighs. He _knows_ he is the last person the warlock wants to see on his doorstep. However, Alec needs to be the one to deliver this news. He promised Magnus (and the rest of the Downworlder Cabinet) that he would operate on a transparency policy. That policy reflected his best effort to rebuild trust between the Nephilim and Downworlders

And when that transparency had been tested, he had failed and acted like every Shadowhunter before him. Delivering this news starts his penance. It shows that he is trying to right the wrongs of the past several weeks. Even if Magnus denies him, Alec hopes this small step shows that he wants to make things right by any means necessary. Izzy’s faith in Magnus’s unyielding commitment to save lives gives Alec strength to ask Magnus for this unbelievable favor. He needs Magnus. Correction, he reminds himself as the pinching threatens to cut off his oxygen: all of New York City needs Magnus. They need him to seal the rift. So, all of New York needs him, not just Alec, as head of the Institute.

To Alec’s surprise, Magnus stops and opens the door a fraction. The older man closes his eyes and visibly swallows. If Alec wanted to feel anger at Magnus now, he might have felt vindicated at seeing the man struggle for a short moment. Magnus rarely struggles with anything; he makes a point to maintain his composure around everyone, whether family, friend, or foe. Magnus allowing him to see this struggle, or any previous struggle, is a privilege. Alec has a quick flash of a previous struggle: Magnus collapsing into his arms after magical depletion while trying to save Luke’s life.

He snaps back to the present when Magnus speaks.

“What do you want, Shadowhunter? Is it about the demons?” The exasperation in his tone hits hard. Magnus keeps his eyes carefully fixed on the empty space to Alec’s left. The deliberate dismissal and rough tone throw Alec off. He expected Magnus to shut the door in his face. He expected this dismissal. Yet the reality of the situation throws him for a loop. This man who once loved him now despises his presence. It catches Alec totally off-guard.

And that is the crux of the issue, isn’t it? Alec had finally allowed himself to drop his guard around someone. All his life, he hid his sexuality, fearing the consequences of allowing himself to just...be. And then Magnus swept into his life. Covered in makeup and glitter, he forced Alec to acknowledge that he was undeniably, irrevocably gay. Given the whirlwind nature of their relationship, Alec isn’t surprised that he managed to fall in love with the sparkly warlock...only to have the rug yanked from beneath him when Magnus left.  
Just like that metaphorical rug, Alec’s carefully-planned (if hastily put-together) speech disappears. Desperate, he latches onto the first argument that comes to mind. “There’s something you need to know...” Well shit. That’s not where he meant to go. “...about the Queen.”

“Well, if you’ve come to tell me that she made a deal with Valentine, I already know.” And with that, the door begins to close again.

“Wait!” Alec bites out. He slams his palm against the door to prevent it from closing.

Once again, Magnus pulls the door open a fraction. He visibly takes a moment to collect himself before opening his eyes to glare at Alec. His mouth sets in a thin line.

Alec has a split second to decide what argument he needs to present...or to walk away. Magnus’s face tells him which option the warlock would prefer.

A vibration in his pocket makes up his mind. “Izzy has located the rift that the demons are coming from.”

“Oh, and you want me to seal it. What a surprise.” His tone clearly states that it is not, in fact, a surprise.

It’s Alec’s turn to lower his eyes and take a moment to collect himself. He reminds himself that they need Magnus. If that means allowing him to throw all his anger and hurt at Alec, then he will gladly accept it. That’s what he deserves, after all. He never gave Magnus the opportunity to rant and rave at him, to air those grievances at Alec’s shortcomings as a leader and as a boyfriend. These harsh words are just his delayed reckoning. He sighs before pressing on. “We need a warlock to seal one this severe.”

“Duh,” Magnus mutters, rolling his eyes and returning to glaring at the space to Alec’s left.

The quiet resolve in Alec breaks. He tried being reasonable. He tried showing that he still cares for Magnus and has his best interests in mind. He tried to demonstrate that he wants to make things better. And through it all, Magnus showed only sarcasm and disdain. His next words come out louder and harsher in his desperate attempt to make Magnus see reason. “The demons don’t discriminate between Downworlder, Shadowhunter, mundane. They kill them all.”

While not as eloquent as how Izzy would have said it, Alec knows his point comes across clearly: without Magnus’s help, lives are at stake. Not just Shadowhunter lives either, as he pointed out. Magnus remains silent, eyes trained appraisingly on Alec. The judgement washes over him. He forces himself to stand still and maintain eye contact. Time stretches out as they sit in this silent stare down. After a short eternity, Magnus lowers his eyes. He seems to come to a conclusion. Alec waits with bated breath as Magnus closes his eyes and purses his lips.

“I’ll seal the rift.” A surge of hope flares in Alec’s chest. He fights to keep it off his face. Which turns out to be a good call, given Magnus’s next words. “But not because of you or the Shadowhunters. Because it’ll save lives.” Magnus narrows his eyes at Alec as if to ensure that Alec doesn’t get the wrong idea. Not wanting to ruin this small victory, Alec chooses to keep his mouth shut. He continues to hold eye contact until Magnus returns his gaze to the empty space to Alec’s left. When the warlock steps back and begins to close the door, Alec lets him.

Alone in the hallway once more, Alec closes his eyes and heaves a sigh. He licks his dry lips as he turns to leave. Magnus agreed to seal the rift. He needs to update Izzy so they can prepare for a fight. Who knows how many demons may be guarding the rift? He glances back at Magnus’s door once more before pressing the ‘down’ arrow for the elevator.

***

Alec steps out of the wards. The magic rushes over his skin, soft and warm. Across the street, Izzy waits in the same doorway Alec had darkened just a handful of hours ago. Unlike Alec, though, she doesn’t attempt to blend into her surroundings. Her long dark hair and high-heeled boots would have drawn the attention of the passing mundanes had she not been glamoured.

Her eyes snap to him once he passes through the wards. “Did you succeed? Where is he?”

Alec waits until he crosses the street to answer her. “He agreed to help.”

“Then where is he?”

Alec freezes. He realizes in his attempt to persuade Magnus to help them, he failed to confirm with Magnus about when they need to meet to discuss the specifics of closing the portal. He holds up a hand to pause Izzy’s questions while quickly sending a text to Magnus.

_Sent: Magnus_  
I didn’t ask: when are you free to discuss the specifics of sealing the rift?

Izzy rolls her eyes fondly. “You forgot to ask him to come to the Institute, didn’t you?”

“Things were a little…tense.” His phone vibrates in his palm.

_Received: Magnus_  
Meet you there in 45

The message is curt and to the point, but at least Magnus confirmed he would meet them. He slips his phone back into his pocket, swapping it for his stele. He addresses Izzy while activating his Speed rune. “He’ll meet us at the Institute in 45 minutes.”

“Excellent!” Izzy stands and whips out her own stele. “And Alec?” He glances up to see her smiling gently at him. “Good job, big bro. I knew you could do it.”

He nods in acknowledgement. Convincing Magnus to speak to him, to help them seal the rift…those are big steps in righting his wrongs. Maybe there is hope for them after all. Casting one last glance at Magnus’s windows (and didn’t he just do this less than twelve hours ago?), he follows Izzy into the street as they head back to the Institute.


	5. This All or Nothing Way of Loving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every fiber of Alec’s being screams at him to drop everything and run to Jace. This instinct pulses from his _parabatai_ rune. Alec feels the physical distance between them (literally continents) as a dull ache behind his heart. The feeling is easy to overlook, given the multitude of other sensations felt around that area lately. Yet Alec knows it’s there. _For wither thou goest, I will go_ and yet Alec remains trapped at the Institute, his duties as head wearing him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! I hope you are all staying safe during this strange times. Here's a (somewhat short) chapter for you all. Not too much introspection, since I tend to follow the dialogue from the episode very closely. However, an introspection chapter is close! Just a few more action chapters, I promise.

True to his word, Magnus steps out of a portal to the Institute steps 45 minutes later. Alec resolutely refuses that he waited in the foyer for the warlock. He has far too much to do simply to wait by the door his ex-boyfriend. No, he waited there because a patrol was due back within the next hour…or two. Clearly he, as head of the Institute, should wait there to greet and debrief them immediately. So he waited for them, not Magnus. Duh.

Alec fires a text to Izzy as Magnus glides into the Institute. He nods once at Alec but otherwise remains silent, his eyes forward as they leave the foyer. Izzy meets them at the top of the stairs where Alec delivered morning briefing. She wastes no time on bringing them up-to-date.

“I just spoke with Imogen. Despite her requests, there have been no troop movements in and out of Alicante since. When she went to Malachi to see what the holdup was, she was told he’d left suddenly.” Her tone belies her suspicions, inherited from her conversation with the Inquisitor.

“So she believes Consul Malachi is actually a spy for Valentine?” Magnus asks, voicing the horrifying thought racing through their heads.

Izzy’s sigh sounds like defeat. “There is no other explanation.” Her tone is bleak. Alec wishes he could offer hopes; however, he knows how bad this sounds. A sharp panic begins to build in his chest, pushing aside the pinching that tightens every time Magnus avoids his eyes. The trio converges around a terminal. Unable to contain his building panic, Alec turns to the other two.

“Jace and Clary are in Lake Lyn with Valentine, who knows how many Circle members, and no military support.” His words come out harsh as his eyes find Izzy. He can’t bring himself to calm down, though: his _parabatai_ is in danger with only Clary to help him.

Izzy’s big brown eyes portray a similar concern. “We need to go help them.”

Every fiber of Alec’s being screams at him to drop everything and run to Jace. This instinct pulses from his _parabatai_ rune. Alec feels the physical distance between them (literally continents) as a dull ache behind his heart. The feeling is easy to overlook, given the multitude of other sensations felt around that area lately. Yet Alec knows it’s there. _For wither thou goest, I will go_ and yet Alec remains trapped at the Institute, his duties as head wearing him down. He glances once at Magnus before turning to lean heavily on the terminal. “I can’t leave when the city is under assault.” His resignation and defeat ring in his tone. Alec is a protector. He protects those he loves and will do so until his dying breath. But this situation spins out of his control. He cannot protect Jace because duty places itself first. Alec feels his failure take root in his core. He casts his eyes toward Izzy, hoping she will understand. She immediately turns to Magnus, her eyes wide and pleading.

Immediately the warlock takes charge of the situation. “What have you got?” he asks as he rounds the table to stand beside Izzy.

She beings to tap and zoom in on the terminal screen. “We’ve identified the demons as a rare sub-species of Edomei.”

“Edomei?” Magnus parrots. His tone betrays nothing, yet the question comes out more like a statement. Alec picks up on that and glances at the warlock. 

“You’re familiar with them?”

“They’re from Edom. Tenacious little devils.”

“So we’ve noticed,” Izzy interjects.

Magnus continues as if Izzy hadn’t interrupted. His hands gesture wildly while he speaks. “And remarkably intelligent, capable of creating carnage in any number of ways.” His brows furrow in concern as he finishes his explanation.

Alec focuses on the bird’s eye layout of New York City Izzy had pulled up. Little red blips litter the screen, each one denoting the presence of an Edomei. He runs through the information Magnus gave them. If the High Warlock of Brooklyn is concerned, then Alec needs to take action _yesterday _. But the same question he posed to Izzy this morning continues nagging him. “Yet they haven’t attacked once. What are they waiting for?” Again, he turns to Magnus, hoping he will have an answer.__

____

__

He seems to have half of one. “They work in hordes. Perhaps they’re increasing their numbers to reach a critical mass.” Somehow, that answer doesn’t make Alec feel better.  
“All the more reason to get this rift closed as soon as possible,” Izzy confirms. Alec stays quiet, choosing to watch as she maneuvers the map to focus on a specific location. The myriad of emotions clouding his overtaxed brain threaten to overwhelm him. There’s the dull ache stemming from his separation with Jace; distant echoes of anger and pain coming through their bond; the lingering exhaustion muted by his most recent Stamina rune; and above it all, the continuous pinching around his heart, made worse by Magnus’s physical proximity. Though Isabelle stands between them, it remains simultaneously too close and too far from each other. He yearns to reach across Izzy and take the other man’s hand. He yearns for the comfort of a reassuring squeeze and a small smile. None of those things are in the cards, though. And so the closeness digs beneath his skin.

Unaware of his internal chaos, Isabelle adjusts the map slightly and points to a specific location. “Their entry point appears to be here, near Croton Point.” She slides the map, checking on the growing number of Edomei.

Alec flicks his eyes between the moving map and Magnus. “How long will this take?” he asks. He’s too tired and on edge to beat around the bush. “Jace and Clary are alone in enemy territory.”

Magnus barely refrains from rolling his eyes. Alec recognizes how the older man’s eyebrows rise in exasperation. He winces internally at his harsh tone (again) and knows he crossed a line. “Not long,” Magnus almost sighs. He turns and begins to make his way toward the front door. Izzy turns her big, scared eyes on Alec.

“We need to move,” she stage whispers. Alec presses his lips together and nods. They do need to move, and fast. The sooner they close the portal, the sooner they can help Jace and Clary. And the sooner Magnus can return home. Alec had focused so much on securing the warlock’s help that he hadn’t stopped to consider what would happen if he said yes. He failed to realize it would mean spending a large chunk of time together. All this time Alec watched Magnus from afar, ensuring his safety from a respectable distance. Alec played the protector and magnus was none the wiser.

Here, in touching distance of one another, all bets are off. Alec keeps doing these little missteps, keeps speaking out of fear and exhaustion. Magnus maintains a safe distance between them, both physically and emotionally, and Alec can feel the distance growing with each hard word and avoided eye contact. His attempts at reconciliation and redemption fall flat. How long until Magnus forces him to quit trying?

The screen below him goes blank. He blinks in time to watch Isabelle hurry after Magnus toward the doors, her jacket in hand. Alec scrubs his face with one hand. “Now or never,” he mutters as he turns to follow. He detours to the weapons to room to snag his bow and arrows before walking out of the Institute, allowing the front door to slam shut behind him.


	6. This Time I Fear There's No One to Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec’s stomach tightens with dread. Izzy’s right: not a single demon remains to guard the rift, their passage back home. Every rift they’ve encountered before had a nest of demons guarding it. Demons may lack brains, but they have strong instincts. A rift this big should have no less than 25 demons protecting it. Yet the beach stands empty. Why did they abandon it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Her's another action-packed chapter pulled from the actual episode. There are some insights into what I imagine went through their heads, as well as some extra stuff at the end. Next chapter: FEELINGS, FEELINGS, AND MORE FEELINGS, OH MY!

Minutes after separating, Alec meets his sister and ex-boyfriend on the Institute steps. None of them speak as Magnus leads them a short way from the entrance in order to portal. Magnus seems to know where to go, as he silently works his hands to open a portal. He doesn’t glance behind as he steps through, merely assuming Alec and Izzy follow close on his heels. They stumble onto a blustery but sunny beach. Luckily, the mundanes who usually crowd the beach are absent, allowing the time to move swiftly down the beach. Alec quickly hones in on the gaping hole not twenty yards away. 

“This is definitely the right place,” he supplies. He pauses as he catches sight of a viscous red liquid. Could that be…no. No body is visible nearby, which would be a requirement for this much semi-fresh blood. Slightly puzzled but dreading the answer, he voices his question. “What is that?”

“Blood,” comes Izzy’s immediate, chilling reply. Her eyes also scan the beach. “Where did all the demons go?”

Alec’s stomach tightens with dread. Izzy’s right: not a single demon remains to guard the rift, their passage back home. Every rift they’ve encountered before had a nest of demons guarding it. Demons may lack brains, but they have strong instincts. A rift this big should have no less than 25 demons protecting it. Yet the beach stands empty. _Why did they abandon it?_

Magnus’s voice breaks through the worse-case scenarios running through Alec’s brain. “I’m not sure. They just don’t normally fly off into the sunset.” And that certainly doesn’t make him feel any better.

They come to a stop at the edge of the rift. Alec peers down, trying to ascertain that it is indeed empty. God forbid some mundane managed to fall in and needed their memory wiped. Magnus is already doing them a huge, clearly uncomfortable favor; Alec would like to avoid asking for anything else as well. He also notices the disturbing lack of demons within the rift tunnel. Part of him hoped the demon guards had waited hidden within the tunnel. Despite the uneasy feeling he harbors over the lack of demons, he’s grateful they won’t need to fight. The quicker they seal this rift, the quicker they can rescue Jace and Clary. 

“Well, let’s not stick around until they make an appearance.”

Apparently that is the wrong thing to say. He catches Magnus’s glare in his direction before rolling his eyes. The warlock steps past him, making his way to the other side of the rift. Alec watches him go, tense at having misstepped (again). 

“The amount of energy required to seal a rift from Edom is substantial,” Magnus explains as he moves. “It’s not just a flick of the wrist.” He flicks his wrist as though to demonstrate. Alec allows the guilt in his gut to grow. Of course something of this caliber requires more strength than, say, a portal to Tokyo (and really, _that_ is the first thing he could think of? Their special date to get out of the loft while Jace lived there?). He should have made it clear that he doesn’t expect Magnus to snap and immediately fix everything. While powerful (as befits the title of High Warlock), Magnus does not possess an endless supply of magic. Alec knows this firsthand. He has no idea what his current magical supply is, having cut all communication after their break-up. His heart stutters painfully at that, but he ignores it.

Across the rift, Magnus eyes the tunnel apprehensively and heaves a heavy sigh. His hands rub together as though charging his magic. Alec observes all of this carefully. “You gonna be okay?” He tries and ultimately fails to keep the concern out of his voice. 

Magnus glances his way. For the second time that day, they maintain eye contact. He notices how the older man pauses, choosing what response to give: trusting him with the truth or deflecting with a lie. “I’m the High Warlock of Brooklyn,” he states before returning his gaze to the rift. Alec follows suit. He notices the non-answer, though. It signifies a clear dismissal of his concern, a stark reminder that he forfeited that right. He clenches his jaw to help keep quiet as Magnus begins pouring deep red-orange magic into the rift.

Sudden movement catches his attention. He notices Izzy tense up just a few feet to his right. The magic also pauses as magnus halts his motions. Deep within the tunnel, another demon quickly takes form. They can only watch in horror and confusion as it rapidly gains speed and erupts from the tunnel seconds later. A wing tip catches Izzy’s jaw, twisting her and sending her to the ground. Alec spins her way. 

“Izzy!” he cries. He freezes, torn between giving chase to the demon or helping his baby sister. Duty vs family, again. He barely registers Magnus turning from the fleeing demon to Izzy. Magnus raises one hand as if to say ‘stay’ as he begins to move toward her. Thankfully, she moves, turning to look at him. _Not dead,_ his brain helpfully supplies.

“GO! I’m alright!” she yells.

Alec turns and spots the demon rapidly flying down the beach. A snap from Magnus draws his attention. 

“Cover me,” Magnus hollers. Alec nods once and immediately gives chase to the demon. He knows Magnus will move fast, but he still needs to buy him as much time as possible. He holds onto his quiver strap as he sprints. Without his arrows, he will be worse than useless against a flying demon. 

The Edomei must sense his presence, for it turns and shrieks at him. Alec comes to a halt, sand spraying at his feet, and reaches over his shoulder for an arrow. He notches it and draws, taking careful aim. After accounting for the wind, he releases. He does _not_ account for the demon easily avoiding the arrow and diving at him. He holds his position, allowing it to move closer. It will have less room to maneuver and avoid his arrow when it comes closer.

His eyes widen when he sees its mouth begin to glow orange. That can only mean one horrible thing. Abandoning his position, he sprints back toward the rift. He has no chance at taking down a demon that fucking _breathes fire!_ An archer must remain mostly stationary to have any chance of taking out a moving target; yet a stationary archer is the perfect target for a fireball. He can feel the air heat up as the demon prepares to let loose. 

“MAGNUS!” he yells. Yes, he was supposed to cover the warlock, but things change, dammit! He sees the warlock frantically waving his hands over the rift, pouring the crackling red-orange magic into it. His coat billows in the rushing air kicked up from such a large outpouring of magic. While he clearly tries to move fast, Alec doubts he will move fast enough to both close the rift and save him. “Magnus!” he yells again, though a little less loud. A part of him considers stopping his running and facing the demon. Surely he can get off an arrow or two before it roasts him? His sacrifice would save Magnus and his sister, at least. 

That part shuts up quickly when the first few fireballs scorch his heels. While the shots miss, they land close enough for him to feel the burn and heat of the flames. One last time, Alec yells, “Magnus!” The fireballs barely miss him now. Soon enough one will land true…

He sees Magnus pause, every muscle in his back clenching. Alec wonders if he will have enough strength to finish sealing the rift. Suddenly, he spins and shoots a ball of magic at the demon. It hits home and causes the demon to explode into several fat blobs of mini demons. Magnus glares at the space the wraith demon occupied before whirling back to the rift.

Life no longer in danger, Alec jumps into action. He draws arrow after arrow, taking out the mini demons methodically. Izzy jumps in to help kill the last one, her whip slicing it to pieces. No longer needing to watch for demons, Alec turns to Magnus.

Just in time to watch him slowly crumple to the ground. Once more, Alec sprints across the beach, Izzy close behind. Though the older man refused his concern earlier, Alec can’t bring himself to ignore the instinct within him screaming to _protectprotectprotect._

“Magnus!” he cries as he crouches next to him. He reaches down to grasp his shoulder. Not to pull, not to move, just to touch. “Magnus,” he says again, and this time it a plea and a thank you all wrapped in one. _Please tell me you’re okay because you saved me and I need you to be okay._

Magnus pants heavily as he turns to face Alec. Hands and knees planted in the sand and clearly drained of magic, the warlock looks worse for wear than when he showed up at the Institute. Not that Alec finds him any less beautiful. Magnus always has been and will be beautiful to him. Alec quickly shoves those unhelpful thoughts aside as they lock eyes. Alec doesn’t bother to hide the concern written all over his face. It may spark Magnus’s ire again, but that is a chance he takes.

“You can’t get ride of me that easily,” Magnus pants. Alec breaks their eye contact to scan the beach again. No trace of the rift remains. He turns to look Izzy up and down. She returns his stare and nods minutely. Whatever hit she took appears to have left no mark. That or she managed to draw a quick _iratze_.

He blinks away the sudden wetness that fills his eyes. Keeping his hand on Magnus’s shoulder for a few more moments helps ground him. Emotions bubble within him, threatening to overwhelm him right there on the beach. Yes, emotions cloud judgement, and his constant exhaustion and adrenaline drop from the most recent near-death experience contribute to that emotional instability. Right now, he needs a level head. Magnus is drained, they are nowhere near the Institute, and his _parabatai_ is still in trouble. Taking a deep breath, he shoves all those emotions into a mental box and set it aside. He will go through them later, when he has a bit more time to process everything.

“We need to return to the Institute.” He addresses the other two as though his voice isn’t rough with too many locked-away emotions. Knowing what he needs to ask, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He hates what he has to ask. “Magnus, do you have anything left for a portal?”

The shorter man shakes his head ‘no’ as he sits back on his heels. Alec notes his hands shake slightly from where they are pressed against his thighs. He forces down the urge to take those trembling hands in his and provide any little bit of comfort. Instead, he stands up and offers a hand to Magnus.

“A cab it is, then.” As Magnus stands, Alec leans in slightly and lowers his voice. “Can you walk?”

Magnus shrugs noncommittally but doesn’t answer. Alec withdraws, allowing him his space. Together, the three of them begin to make their way toward the sidewalk that will lead them to the street. Alec stays close to Magnus on one side, Izzy on the other. Slowly but surely, they leave the beach behind.


	7. I Need Somebody to Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec sighs as he makes a decision. Cautiously, he allows the emotions to slither to the front of his mind. He is immediately thankful that he chose to sit up front with only the cabbie to witness his break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: The writer tries to do emotions.  
> I rewrote this at least three times and am still not totally happy with how it turned out. Hopefully it reads better to you all than it did for me.

The trek from the beach to the street takes half an hour. Any other day, it would take half that time; however, with Magnus still unsteady on his feet, their progress slows significantly. Every time Magnus stumbles slightly, Alec has to clench his fists to refrain from sweeping him into his arms and carrying him. Not that Alec’s in a hurry, but….before their break-up such an action would read as concerned and caring. Now, however, Alec worries it would translate as condescending. With the small progress they made today, Alec refuses to give Magnus any reason to take a step back. 

Luckily, Izzy has no such qualms about offering help. The second time Magnus stumbles, she slips her arm around his waist and pulls him close. He smiles gratefully at her and slings his arm over her shoulders. 

Alec hails them a cab once they reach the street. This gives Isabelle and Magnus the opportunity to rest against the low stone wall that separates the street sidewalk from the foliage that leads to the beach path. It takes a few minutes before the manages to secure a taxi, thanks to the typical end-of-lunch rush. He sighs as he realizes that traffic back to the Institute will be horrendous. He waves over his sister and Magnus once a taxi pulls over. Opening the back door, he ushers them in. 

“Izzy, Magnus, you two take the back. That should give you more room to rest and recharge. Traffic is going to slow us down and we need to be ready to go when we return to the Institute.” Magnus doesn’t respond, merely slides in and rests his head back, eyes closed. Izzy grabs Alec’s hand and squeezes gently.

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he rests,” she whispers. He returns the squeeze. She slides in beside Magnus and Alec shuts the door. He climbs into the passenger seat and spouts off the address for the Institute. The driver nods and waits for an opening to slide into traffic. From the backseat, Alec can hear Izzy gently coaxing Magnus to lay down. He glances back to see Magnus’s head pillowed on Izzy’s jacket in her lap. One of his arms is slung across his eyes in an attempt to block the harsh afternoon sunlight. His long legs sprawl haphazardly across the remainder of the backseat.

Alec’s heart clenches at the exhaustion evident in the warlock. He glances up to see Izzy smiling at him. _He’s asleep,_ she mouths. One of her hands rests on shoulder, supporting him in case a sudden pothole or bump disrupts his precarious balance. Alec nods at her blindly. His eyes keep slipping back to Magnus and how peaceful he appears in this moment. Feeling Izzy’s eyes boring into him, he finally drags his own eyes away and turns back to the road. He lets his head fall back against the headrest with a soft thump.

The physical exhaustion of the past several days forces his own eyes closed. He slides into a dreamy state where his body rests but his mind whirls. The Stamina rune he drew while retrieving his bow and quiver from the weapons room (away from Izzy’s judgmental gaze) still lingers; however, he knows that it will burn out within the hour. The fading effects allow his body to rest but keep his mind awake. He finds that he resents the need for wakefulness. The vibrations of the cab and the muffled sounds of the New York streets outside the windows would have lulled him to sleep, had he been capable of it. He briefly mourns the loss of that elusive sleep. Best not to think about how few  
hours he has managed to catch in the last week.

A sudden jolt of _something_ flares from his _parabatai_ rune. He suppresses a hiss at the sensation and clutches at his side. Just as quickly as it flares, the feeling fizzles out before Alec can identify it. He sits rigid in his seat for a moment, waiting for more to follow. Whatever mess Jace has gotten into, though, seems to be resolved since no more feelings follow. He prods the bond gently. He wants to know _more_ , damn it! Clearly Jace is still alive, but what is going on? Not for the first time, Alec wishes the bond included a telepathy component.

That unexpected flare from the bond causes a surge of emotions to well up within Alec. He fights them down, unwilling to give the sudden tears in his eyes any room to fall. The past several days of exhaustion, frustration, anger, guilt, and heartbreak catch up with him now, leaving him reeling from emotional whiplash. Alec doesn’t do well with emotions. _Emotions cloud judgement._ As leader of the New York Institute, he needs a clear head. He needs to make rational decisions based on facts and findings, not on his heart. In the cab inching its way through NYC traffic, he finds that he can’t ignore the onslaught of emotions any longer. They demand attention, welling up in waves of anguish over and over after that sudden hit through the bond. Alec inhales a shaky breath and holds it for a few moments before blowing it out slowly. He repeats this a few times until he can think clearly again. The emotions remain in back of his brain, roiling angrily. Alec knows they need attention. He watches the pedestrians on the sidewalk swarm past his window as he considers his options. Clearly, he cannot allow the emotions to take over. He doesn’t have the time or a safe space to help him process everything that needs to be felt. However, the emotions refuse to disappear into the void that he usually shoves everything towards. Startled into existence by the parabatai bond, they now demand that something be done.

Alec sighs as he makes a decision. Cautiously, he allows the emotions to slither to the front of his mind. He is immediately thankful that he chose to sit up front with only the cabbie to witness his break.

First to make itself known is the frustration and anger at his inability to help Jace. He has always been there for Jace, from the moment that scared eleven-year-old boy walked into the Institute, Alec has protected him and cared for him. He has watched Jace’s back in every mission they went on. Knowing that his _parabatai_ is on a mission (however unsanctioned) without him makes him half frantic with the need to join him. He wants to scream with the frustration of being stuck in New York, fulfilling his duties as Head of the Institute, while his brother and other half of his soulbond faces a very real danger on the other side of the world.

Alec knows of only one way to help ease the anger coursing through his veins. He closes his eyes to the New York sun and focuses on feeling Jace. For a moment, the anger within him calms. He can feel…anger that isn’t his own, and hints of fear (which can’t be right, Jace isn’t afraid of anything), and determination, and betrayal. But there is also a current of calm. Alec knows that is Clary’s influence. Being with her seems to give Jace a purpose, an ability to take a step out of his own head. For that reason, he tolerates her presence in their lives. Absently, Alec rubs the rune through his shirt, trying to ease the ache that took root sometime after Jace left. While Jace may not be fighting for his life currently, Valentine is headed their way. Alec tamps down the anger before it can grow out of control. He briefly taps back into the bond to feel Jace, alive and feeling things too strongly, to help soothe his own anger. He pushes feelings of _safe-calm-hope_ to Jace in an effort to calm the other’s emotions. While he doesn’t receive a responding push, he contents himself and his anger in knowing that he is one step closer to heading toward his _parabatai_.

The next emotion takes him by surprise. He planned to ignore the emotions corresponding to his breakup with Magnus. Those are still new raw, too fresh, and too real with Magnus nearby to feel safely right now. So he expected to move on to his guilt at Izzy being injured (however minor). Instead, the crushing heartbreak of their failed relationship wallops him. He gasps quietly at how deep that emotion runs. The hand at his side, still rubbing the _parabatai_ rune, digs its nails into his side. The physical pain grounds him. He has been able to push aside these feelings for the last few days, channeling his energy into watching Magnus from afar and tracking down Sebastian. Now he faces the truth of those emotions and the truth of the situation that broke them up.

Alec posed a liability to Magnus’ people. Their relationship distracted the older man and influenced his decisions and actions. With war bearing down on them, it only makes sense that Magnus does what is best for his people. As a leader, Alec respects that. Hasn’t he done the same for his Shadowhunters, for his own family?

As a person, Alec hurts. He loves Magnus. Shadowhunters only love once and they love fiercely. Magnus is his once. Regardless of what happens, Alec won’t love another. And it gives him some hope to know that in some way, Magnus still loves him. He saved his life, after all. That love should be enough. In any other world, in any other time, that would be enough. 

A drop of wetness on his lap startles him. He looks down to see a tiny dot of water. He blinks and feels a slight wetness bead in his lashes. He brings the slightly wet hand up to brush his cheek. A single tear track mars his face. Alec blinks again, dully pleased to note that the wetness is already receding. He does not cry. Even when Magnus broke up with him, he refused to cry. Instead, he shoved those emotions into his overstuffed mental box and found a way to move past the pain. This rogue tear stands testament to his exhaustion and distraction: he allowed himself to feel something for a brief moment, no matter how unexpectedly or unwillingly. He leans his head back against the headrest again and closes his eyes.

“ ‘ere you go. We’re at your destination.” The rough voice of the cabbie startles Alec out of his half-doze. He blinks in an attempt to pull his head together. The Institute looms up to his left. He can hear Isabelle and Magnus shuffling around in the backseat.

“That’ll be –”

“Here. Keep the change.” Alec shoves a wad of cash in the man’s direction, eager to shut him up and leave this Cab of Emotions. He might catch some flack later for the ridiculous expense report he files for today. Between Magnus’ bill and this cab ride, he knows it’ll be way over budget. He can’t find the energy to care right now.

He clambers out of the cab and slams the door. Izzy and Magnus do the same. Magnus stretches, joints cracking. Alec keeps his eyes fixed on the Institute, though his heart breaks a little more at the slightly sleep-rumpled state of his former lover. With nothing to say, Alec merely gestures at the Institute before leading them into the building. He has a _parabatai_ to save.


	8. i Tend to Close My Eyes (When It Hurts Sometimes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus hums. “Yes, I figured as much.” He feels Isabelle shift slightly. The weight of her gaze settles heavily on him. Her unspoken question hangs between them. Magnus pauses to consider his next words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: The author tires a new POV. (Anyone else know Magnus is a Sagittarius?!)
> 
> Sorry for the delay! The weather was too beautiful the past few days, and it required me to be outside prepping my garden. Therefore, please excuse this unedited chapter. I own up to all the mistakes.
> 
> Also, you can pry the idea of Magnus learning and loving the stars from my cold dead hands.

For the umpteenth time in his immortal life, Magnus wishes he possessed the ability to change the weather. While large gatherings of warlocks have been known to inadvertently influence the weather as a side effect of their combined spell work, no single warlock would actively change the weather. Ragnor claimed it was the natural way of things, a way to remind the immortal they are not all powerful. Magnus thinks it is a cruel way for the universe to remind the magically-inclined that they are half-demon and not wholly of this world.

In his current situation, he simply wishes for a few clouds to block the harsh midday sun. Magic depletion tends to give him a roaring headache; paired with the vicious sun, though, he can feel it shifting into a migraine. He doesn’t even have the juice to summon a pair of sunglasses. He squints his eyes in an effort to reduce sun exposure and, therefore, his migraine. Of course, this limits his visibility. He finds himself stumbling over small, easily-avoided objects. Thankfully, Isabelle slips an arm around his waist, offering support and guidance. He offers a wan smile and leans into her side.

On his other side, the older Lightwood simmers. Emotions roll off him in suffocating waves. Paired with the clenched fists and rigid shoulders, Alec radiates anger and frustration.

An apology sits heavy on his tongue. Magnus rolls it around, tasting the bitterness of betrayal, disappointment, hurt, and too much anger to be healthy. If the stakes were lower, he would consider reaching out to Alec for the sake of forgiveness. One of his fatal flaws is his ability to pacify his lovers by shouldering the blame for past wrongs. Experience shows it keeps them around longer.

But the Shadow World teeters on the brink of war. Magnus cannot afford to put his heart before his people, before the entire Downworld. He is a leader. A leader must act in the best interest of his people. With that thought in mind, he swallows the apology. It burns as it goes down. _How did things get so out of hand?_

Arriving street side, Alec moves to hail them a cab. Isabelle leads him to the low stone wall that separates the path from the busy sidewalk. Magnus sits heavily. A sigh escapes him as he leans against the younger Lightwood. 

“Thank you, Isabelle,” he murmurs. He knows he should offer a witty explanation for his current state. At the very least, he should deflect her obvious concern. He doesn’t deserve it after crushing her brother’s heart. However, he lacks the energy to do either. Isabelle smiles softly at him. Her arm remains around his waist, keeping him securely pressed into her side.

“He’s never going to stop worrying about you,” she whispers. Her eyes follow Alec as he fails to find an available cab. “He doesn’t know I know, but he sneaks out to check on you. Every night for the last three nights, at least.”

Magnus hums. “Yes, I figured as much.” He feels Isabelle shift slightly. The weight of her gaze settles heavily on him. Her unspoken question hangs between them. Magnus pauses to consider his next words.

“As a child, I often found myself stargazing. My…living situation was in constant flux; the stars offered a sense of security. They changed very rarely, in time with the seasons, and their changes were always predictable. Naturally I knew of their practical use, but I was enamored with their simple, ethereal beauty. How could something so…simple be so magical?”

Magnus pauses. He omitted much of his childhood: how he prayed to the stars for his own magic in hopes of helping his mother; how he ranted, raved, and rejected them when he discovered he did, in fact, possess magic; how he grew to love the stars again through his own self-acceptance.

“The stars became my religion, in a way. I turn to them in time of triumph and tribulation. I don’t pray to them anymore, but seeing them brings me a sense of comfort.

“I have stargazed on the roof every night since Valentine’s return. A simple spell clears enough of the light pollution for me to see a handful of stars. Of course, I do continuously monitor my surrounding. As you know, wards only do so much to prevent danger.” He pauses again, allowing them both to remember the unfortunate Forsaken attack while he gathers the energy to continue. His migraine continues to pound behind his eyes, despite them being clenched against the harsh midday sun. “I’ve seen Alec slipping through the shadows to his hiding spot. I know he stays for too long, though I never remain to see him leave…”

Magnus trails off, easily lost in thoughts of Alec. He does not share how Alec’s presence, covert intentions aside, brings him a sense of peace and security. He never sees Alec leave because that peace allows him a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. That peace evades him the rest of the night, resulting in nightmares and bouts of insomnia. Magnus allows his Shadowhunter this protective indulgence for that purely selfish reason.

“I trust you will keep this between us,” he whispers as Alec successfully summons a cab and waves them over. Isabelle nods once and helps him stand. Together they join Alec as he ushers them into the cab. They reach Alec and the conversation ends.

“Izzy, Magnus, you two take the back. That should give you—” Magnus tunes out the rest of Alec’s words, focusing instead on his voice. It is rough with exhaustion and whatever emotions he suppressed during their walk. Magnus aches to hear it. The repressed apology burns in his belly. He slides into the backseat before it makes an appearance. Leaning his head back, he allows his body to sink into the cracked fabric seat. His eyes remain shut. The semi-darkness of the cab helps ease the pain of the migraine, bringing it down from a pounding crescendo to a throbbing ache. Isabelle settles into the seat beside him and the car door shuts. Alec slips into the front passenger seat. Magnus refuses to dwell on why the Shadowhunter refuses to sit with them in the backseat.

The moment the cab eases into the post-lunch traffic, Isabelle manhandles him down so his head rests on her jacket in her lap. His body splays out across the backseat. She murmurs soft encouragement as they go. “Come on, Magnus, lay down here. You heard Alec: you need to rest and recharge. You’ll feel better after a power nap. I’ll make sure you don’t fall. Just relax – there you go.”

Once she arranges him in a comfortable position, Isabelle wraps an arm around him to prevent any sudden falls to the floorboards. Magnus melts a little at her concern. He flings an arm over his eyes and feels the tension drain from his body. His breaths even out as he settles into a meditative state. Alec ordered rest; he did not order sleep. Despite being magically, physically, and emotionally drained, Magnus feels too keyed up to pursue sleep.

Instead, he meditates. He breaths through his reflection of the events on the beach and the last several days. He breaths through his reflection on hos his life choices led him here: in a vulnerable state, cradled in the arms of a Shadowhunter in the backseat of a cab while his ex-lover (also a Shadowhunter) sits up front. He wants to laugh at the absurdity of it.

And yet, he would not change any of it. Every step led him to Alec, after all. 

Despite their current situation he hopes for a future with the younger man. Magnus knows – _he knows_ – he has much to atone for…but then, so does Alec. Neither of them is blameless. His heart thuds painfully at the difficult conversation that awaits them.

A soft gasp from the front seat causes Magnus to tense. He lifts his arm from his eyes, suppressing a wince as light hits his oversensitive eyes, and prepares to sit up. That small sound was wrought with pain. It is not one has heard before from his Shadowhunter. Every instinct shouts for him to fix it.

Before he can fully sit up, Isabelle’s hand pushes him back down. He turns his face up to catch her eyes. A warning flashes through them and she shakes her head. Magnus narrows his eyes. She expects him to lay here quietly while Alexander suffers?!

Her raised eyebrow brings him back to himself and their present situation. Alexander is not his anymore. Magnus cannot offer comfort when Alec suffers because of him. The tension leaves him suddenly and he slumps to the seat. Isabelle pats his chest. The smile she gives him is small and sad. He can’t find the energy to return it.

The cab rumbles to a stop. Magnus finally sits up. He blinks at the quiet sidewalk outside the Institute. It takes a moment for him to find the invulnerable, all-knowing mask of indifference and drag it onto his face. He may be safe here with the two Lightwoods, but entering the headquarters of the New York Shadowhunters requires a suit of armor. Especially after he hurt one of their own. 

Mask securely in place, he follows Isabelle out of the cab. He stretches, feeling his joints crack after too much time spent immobile. Alec gestures aimlessly at the Institute before marching away. Isabelle loops her arm through Magnus’s and tugs him after her brother. Left with no choice, he follows her with slow feet.


	9. I'm Going Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace is gone. Alec works on coping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is super-short. It kept growing and growing until it was a bit too wieldy for just one chapter. This was the natural break point. Longer chapter next week with Magnus and more emotions!

“Alec! I need—”

“Lightwood, can you check this –”

“Yo, boss, a message came for you about an intern –”

The clamoring of his Shadowhunters assaults Alec the moment he steps into the Ops Center. He grits his teeth. Coming to a stop in the middle of the room, he assumes his parade rest position to address his people. “If you need a sign-off on a report, leave it on my desk. Any non-life-threatening business or information will wait for my input tomorrow. Unless someone is minutes from death, handle it yourselves.” Alec pauses, waiting for any questions or pushback. To his surprise, the entire room remains silent. “Dismissed,” he finishes. A slight delay follows before the chatter and sound of movement returns, albeit more subdued than before.

He knows pushing aside his direct command will come back to bite him. However, his focus must be on Jace. With the demon infestation potentially resolved, they are on step closer to going to him. The bond pulses painfully at the thought. Alec rubs his side while commandeering one of the table terminals. He sends a tight smile to Izzy as she makes her way to one of the monitors. Between the two of them, a scan of New York City will take no time.

“I’m coming, Jace,” he murmurs as he begins tapping the screen.

* * * 

A mere hour later, Alec rests on his bed, slumped against the lumpy mattress. His eyes gaze vacantly towards his closet. For the first time in his short life, his mind is utterly empty. No emotions or thoughts clutter his brain. Everything is…numb.

The soft click of his door opening registers in his brain. He tenses but doesn’t move from his position.

Isabelle enters his sight line. Alec observes her but cannot find the energy or ability to care. Her eyes are red-rimmed with mascara streaks down her cheeks. Even now, her lips tremble. Alec senses his brotherly concern boiling over, but it is detached. He remains separate from the emotion and therefore unable to act upon it.

“Hermano,” she murmurs as she kneels in front of him. Her hands find his where they are clenched in the comforter. Funny, he muses idly. A comforter that brings no comfort. “Big brother, talk to me. I-I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling. B-but if you’re anything like me, you n-need support.”

Alec forces his eyes away from his closet and into Izzy’s face again. He blinks. No words of comfort or support come to him; how can they when half of his soul is dead? With a soft sight, he closes his eyes. He does offer a gentle squeeze to her hands. She immediately returns the soft pressure.

“I need you, Alec. I lost one brother today, and it feels like I’m losing you too!” With that admission, Izzy dissolves into sobs. Her forehead presses against their joined hands.

A pang of guilt and heartache breaks through the barrier of numbness. They both know the history of the “left behind” _parabatai_ : the ones so overcome with grief that they took their own life. How does one continue on when half of their soul is gone? Alec understands, now. Before-Alec thought he knew pain and heartbreak. Losing Magnus had felt like losing a limb. But losing Jace? He lost everything that made him “Alec” when he lost Jace.

Pushing through the numbness, Alec forces himself into a sitting position. He slings his arms around Izzy. Her head hits his chest as she continues to cry. One of his arms wraps around her back, holding her close, while the other pets her hair. “I’m here, Izzy. I’m here,” he whispers into her hair. 

And isn’t that half of the truth? Physically he is there. His body cradles her close, providing the physical closeness and reassurance she needs. But mentally, emotionally, spiritually? He is miles away.

Time passes without Alec noticing. It takes on an odd quality: slowing down and speeding up in spurts with no rhyme or reason. He has no clue how long he spent lysing on his bed all alone; he doesn’t bother counting the minutes he holds Izzy as she cries. Time ceased to matter when Jace – when Jace left him.

Because that’s what he did, isn’t it? _For whither thou goest, I will go_. Yet Jace went where Alec can’t follow. Death has too many unknowns. What comes next? Would Alec even end up in the same place as Jace? Would their souls recognize each other even in death? Alec has no answers. So he sits in the quiet bubble where time doesn’t seem to matter. He holds his sister, deep in her grief, and whispers meaningless platitudes in her ear. And he waits for his own time to come.


	10. And Then You Pulled the Rug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And oh, that is the question. It is one Magnus has spent centuries trying to answer. He lost countless people in his long life: family, friends, lovers, cherished clients. Each one forced him to ask that same question: what do I do now? How do I move on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday! This weekend is Mother's Day in the US, which means I'll be out of touch most of the weekend. Therefore, you all get this chapter a few days early! Enjoy! 
> 
> ~ Also, please note that tags have been updated. Though Jace's death is only temporary, of course, it is good to know that going in.

The office of the Head of the Institute is fourteen steps long and eight steps wide. Magnus knows; he has been pacing the mediocre space for the last ten minutes. After Alec had collapsed from the broken bond, he and Isabell had helped him to his room. Isabelle had then walked Magnus to Alec’s office. They both agreed that they would need to portal to Lake Lyn as soon as possible to rescue Clary. Magnus refuses to entertain the idea that both wayward Shadowhunters fell to Valentine.

Exactly twelve minutes after leaving Alec’s room, Magnus returns. He knocks gently before pushing the door open a crack. The body lying on the mattress ( _Alec_ , he realizes) doesn’t move at his entrance. From the bathroom come the sounds of running water. An image of Isabelle meticulously wiping off her makeup, ruined by tears, comes to mind. He quietly moves into the room and sits on the edge of the bed. “Oh, Alexander,” he murmurs.

Without warning, Alec shoots into a sitting position. Magnus nearly slips off the edge of the bed in his surprise. Alec spins to look at him. The haunted look in his eyes breaks Magnus’s heart. Before he can scan the rest of him, Alec flings himself into his arms. Magnus stiffens for a second, surprised at the sudden act of affection. His body remembers this, though. Before the Shadowhunter can react negatively to Magnus’s surprise, his arms wrap around his back. He runs one hand down his back, intending to soothe the younger man’s tears…

But Alec is not crying.

He trembles as if crying. His body shakes and shudders in Magnus’s arms. However, his breathing remains relatively even and Magnus feels no tears. Confusion swirls in his brain for a moment. _Shouldn’t he be devastated?_ Truthfully, he expected Alec to be a sobbing, heartbroken mess when he entered. The reality puzzles him for several long moments until the horrifying truth sets in.

_Parabatai_ share souls. His Alexander lost a fundamental piece of himself less than an hour ago. How is one supposed to react to that? Magnus surely doesn’t know. The typical reaction to heartbreak does not carry enough weight. Tears, grief, and mourning suit the loss of a loved one, whether family, friend, or lover. But the loss of a soul tethered to his own? Magnus has never experienced that level of loss.

Isabelle’s voice interrupts his musings. “Alec, we need to – oh, Magnus. Great timing.” She eyes them warily. Magnus raises an eyebrow and tightens his hold on Alec. Isabelle returns the look. “We need to get to Lake Lyn and rescue Clary. If Jace is –” she pauses, frozen in the bathroom doorway. Her eyes watch Alec as he shudders in Magnus’s arms. A long moment later, she flicks her eyes back to Magnus. “We need to rescue Clary. Can you portal us to Lake Lyn?”

“Of course. Do you know her location?”

“We have an approximate one. Will that work?” At his nod, she continues, “Good. I will go get ready. Alec…” Isabelle trails off again. She moves to touch his should gently. “Alec, you should stay here.”

No response comes from the grieving man. Isabelle sighs. “I’ll meet you in the Ops Center in ten minutes.” She departs with one last sad glance at her brother.

Once the door clicks shut behind her, Alec pushes himself away from Magnus. He mourns the loss briefly before the Shadowhunter speaks. “She’s right. We need to go rescue Clary and – and – “ The stuttering clearly costs Alec a great deal, despite him being unable to finished the sentence. He heaves in a breath before he continues. “Izzy can’t come with us. It has to be you and me, Magnus.”

Magnus startles at how coherent Alec sounds through his grief. Not thirty seconds ago, he seemed nearly catatonic in his arms. Now, he is planning a rescue-and-retrieval mission. Upon close inspection, he notices Alec’s hands shaking where they are fisted on his thighs. Clearly, he is not as composed as he tries to come across. “Alexander, you are grieving. You do not need to do anything. Isabelle and I can handle a rescue mission for Biscuit.”

Alec shakes his head vehemently. “No, Magnus, she can’t. We aren’t just doing a rescue mission. We need – need to –” He visibly swallows, eyes clenched shut. His next words come out on a whisper of a breath. “We need to retrieve Jace’s – Jace’s b-body.”

Magnus’s heart breaks for the pain in that statement and for the responsibility he has to shoulder. Of course, as Institute Head, he needs to retrieve Jace’s body and confirm his death. Magnus is aware of the ritualistic funerals of Shadowhunters and the beliefs they hold. In Alec’s mind, Jace will never truly rest without a proper ceremony. “Darling, you do not need to shoulder this responsibility. You have Isabelle and entire teams of trusted Shadowhunters who can bring him home. You just lost a piece of your _soul_ , Alexander. You need to take the time to process and grieve. If you jump into action now –”

“He was my _brother_ , Magnus!” Alec’s sudden outburst catches them both by surprise. Magnus blinks, his mouth hanging open in what he’s sure is an unattractive fashion Alec’s eyes are wide and full of pain. Nonetheless, he barrels on. “I couldn’t- couldn’t save him because I put duty before him. Before him – before my _parabatai_. I let him go alone – to Lake Lyn, to _Valentine_ , alone. I-I should have done…something, anything or – or tried harder, or…but I didn’t. I let him go. With only Clary as backup. And now…I felt him…he’s…”

Magnus watches as Alec shatters, again, in front of him. Still no tears, but the younger man visibly withdraws into himself. His arms wrap tight around his torso and his breath comes in harsh pants. Moving slowly so as not to spook the distressed Shadowhunter, Magnus cups Alec’s cheek with one hand and gently wraps the other around a shaking shoulder. He tips Alec’s face up so their eyes meet.

“I’m not going to pretend I understand what you are feeling. I have never had nor lost a _parabatai_. But I do know something about survivor’s guilt. Alexander, Jace’s death is _not your fault_. It feels that way now. But you did everything you could. If you had gone to him, you may have died as well. Or all of New York City would have burned down due to the Edomei. Yes, he was your _parabatai_. But you have a responsibility to this city as well. You were put in an impossible position and there were far too many variables for you to shoulder the blame for this. I have no doubt in my mind that Jace would not blame you. Nor would he want you to push everyone out of your life right now. Let us help you, Alexander. Don’t pull away from us.”

Alec whimpers at his words. His slide shut. Magnus strokes a thumb along his cheekbone, allowing him a moment to collect himself. When Alec opens his eyes, heartbreak and guilt replace the haunted look. “What do I do now?”

And _oh_ , that is the question. It is one Magnus has spent centuries trying to answer. He lost countless people in his long life: family, friends, lovers, cherished clients. Each one forced him to ask that same question: what do I do now? _How do I move on?_

He offers Alec a small, lop-sided smile. “Thee is no great secret. You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.” Easier said than done, of course. However, in his experience, Magnus knows the only way through grief is _forward_. It requires grit. It requires sacrifice. And it requires no small amount of pain. There is no clear path through grief; everyone stumbles through it on their own terms. All Magnus can do is offer bits of advice and a shoulder to cry on. As much as he would rather bear this burden for Alexander, this journey is one the young Shadowhunter must make alone.

Alec accepts his words with silence. Stillness blankets them. Magnus refuses to break the tremulous peace the befalls them, unsure of what Alec’s reaction will be. He knows the younger man needs to feel his emotions. His tendency to bottle them up borders on destructive. Bottling up this? He is not sure his Shadowhunter would survive.

Quietly, Alec lifts his face towards Magnus. His eyes, still foggy with grief, gleam with a new determination. “I – um…thank you, Magnus. That – that is helpful. But, Clary – we, um, we need to rescue Clary. Can you portal us – I mean, if you are feeling up to it – I know you were – magic was – you used a lot of magic today. Are you – could you –“

“Alexander.” Magnus heart sinks at the sudden return of Alec’s nervous stuttering and the intention behind his words. _Bear it, indeed_ , he realizes sadly. He drops his hands back to his side as he answers. “You want me to portal you to Lake Lyn. Of course I can, darling. Your sister should be back soon –”

“No” comes the sudden interruption. “Izzy isn’t coming. Magnus, I-I don’t know what we’re walking into. What if – um.. if Jace – no. I refuse. I refuse to put Iz in that situation.” His unspoken meaning is cleared: _I don’t know how Jace died and I don’t want her to see that._ Magnus admires the brotherly instinct to protect at all costs. Dear Lilith, Alec spends all this time protecting his siblings, but who protects him? Alec should not have to face the horror that is bound to be his _parabatai_ ’s final battle. He had the first-class experience of feeling Jace die and their bond break. Is that not enough?

“Alexander, admirable as it is for you to protect Isabelle, neither of you should go. As you said –”

“No, Magnus! I’m going. Jace…he would do the same for me. I swore to myself that I would bring him home. Please…please let me do that.” The steel in his voice wavers into a plea by the end. Who is Magnus to deny this Shadowhunter the right to bear his fallen brother home? Though he fears the consequences, Magnus relents. He nods and holds out a hand.

“Okay. But we go now. Isabelle will return soon, and I doubt she will be persuaded to remain behind.” Alec nods but eyes his hand warily. Magnus drops it before he can overthink it. He… _forgot_. For a brief moment, he slipped back into thinking of them as _MagnusandAlec_ when the reality remains that they are _Magnus and Alec_. He did not intend to confuse Alec or make him uncomfortable. Before Ale can open his mouth to stutter out an excuse, Magnus stands and spins away. He twists his hands to create a portal.

“Picture Lake Lyn, darling. I have never been and cannot lead this. After you.” Alec tightens his fists at his side. He glances at Magnus. Magnus’s heart stutters at the blatant fear and open vulnerability in those gorgeous hazel eyes. Hesitantly, Magnus offers his hand again. He understands the fear. Neither of them knows what they are about to walk into. This rescue-and-recovery mission may become just a recovery mission. So Magnus offers his hand out of solidarity and his own need for comfort. He does not bother with a smile; it would fix nothing and they both know it.

This time, Alec reaches out and clasps his hand. He squeezes once. As one, they face the swirling portal. Alec inhales harshly. He seems to gather himself before glancing again at Magnus. Magnus gives a small nod. That is all the reassurance Alec needs to step through the portal, pulling Magnus behind him.


	11. You Numbed All the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then Alec understands. Magnus also knows nowhere is safe. If Valentine’s wish comes true, Magnus will die, whether he is here or huddled in the comfort of his loft. Alec presses his lips together. He can’t lose Jace and Magnus. He can’t. He refuses to entertain the possibility. Instead, he hurries after Magnus, Isabelle at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for this late chapter! We've had some family health issues this week that required attention and care.
> 
> Did anyone else notice that when Alec lifts his shirt to check the parabatai rune, Magnus looks away? As if that little bit of hip showing is highly scandalous? ;)  
> Anyway, enjoy!

In hindsight, Alec should have known that leaving Izzy behind was impossible. She has their mother’s iron will and stubbornness. He heard her enter his rom as he took Magnus’s hand. He felt her quiet presence slip through the portal behind him. All he could do was sigh in frustration. She will yell at him later, of course. For now, he simply continues through to Lake Lyn.

Coming out on the other side, all his frustration and heartbreak disappears. Terror, ice-cold and suffocating, races through him. The woods surrounding Lake Lyn are lit up with brilliant white light. Beside him, Izzy gasps quietly.

“We’re too late,” she says, eyes trained on the sky. Magnus steps between them, brow furrowed in a bizarre mixture of awe and dread. He doesn’t seem phased that Isabelle appeared with them. A small voice in Alec’s brain reminds him that _of course_ Magnus would have felt an extra body pass through his portal.

“He’s raised the Angel,” Magnus whispers.

The terror roiling through Alec sharpens with worry. Valentine succeeded in raising Raziel. Any moment, his wish to purge the demon-blooded will come true. Magnus…Magnus has demon blood. Despite being the kindest, gentlest, most self-sacrificing person Alec knows, Magnus is part demon. For that fault alone, Valentine wishes him dead. And a world without Magnus isn’t a world Alec wants to experience. He spins to face the warlock. “Magnus, you need to get to safety.” Fear and worry strengthen the urgency in his tone. Yet even as he speaks, he knows that nowhere on Earth is safe from the Angel’s purge.

Magnus doesn’t look at him. He doesn’t move his eyes from the spectacle in the sky. “We need to find Jace and Clary,” he insists, striding forward.

And then Alec understands. Magnus also knows nowhere is safe. If Valentine’s wish comes true, Magnus will die, whether he is here or huddled in the comfort of his loft. Alec presses his lips together. He can’t lose Jace _and_ Magnus. He _can’t_. He refuses to entertain the possibility. Instead, he hurries after Magnus, Isabelle at his side.

The Shadowhunters quickly catch up to Magnus. A thin, somewhat overgrown path leads them through the woods. They move silently for the first few minutes. Alec’s hand twitches toward his bow – glamoured across his back – with every sudden sound. After a der bolts across the path not ten yards ahead of them, Alec decides enough is enough. He grabs Magnus’s arm and spins them to place Alec in the lead position. A quick pull has his bow over shoulder, unglamoured, and ready for action. He decidedly ignores Izzy’s amused smirk. His attention instead diverts back to the path ahead.

Behind him, he hears grumbles of “centuries-old warlock” and “battle magic” and “self-sacrificing Nephilim”. But despite the true words, Alec realizes that Magnus missed the point. He rants about Alec’s lack of self-preservation and survival instincts, but fails to realize Alec would do _anything_ for him. All his life, Alec trained with one mission: protect. Protect Isabelle. Protect Jace. Protect Max. After they started dating, a new mission was added: _Protect Magnus_. Alec always knew he would die protecting the ones he loves. He accepted this inevitable fate long ago. So it is a small thing for him to push Magnus behind, his own body a shield for any attack that comes their way. He simply wishes Magus knew how much love Alec expresses in this sacrificial action.

Alec freezes when the woods suddenly darken. He knows without looking that the Angel is gone. Izzy curses softly. Behind him, Magnus remains silent. Alec has to peek over his shoulder briefly to ease the fear that the warlock may have disappeared. He receives a small reassuring nod in return. Driven by a new urgency, Alec quickens his pace. The path begins to widen, signaling their proximity to the lake. He drops into a fighting stance. His fingers tap an anxious rhythm on his bow.

A sudden curve in the path opens onto the shore. Alec hurries forward, breath stuttering out of him in painful anticipation of what they might find.

That same breath leaves him suddenly as he spies Valentine’s body crumpled on the shore. He gapes at it, mind not processing what he is seeing. Nonplussed, his feet propel him forward as his mind whirs.

Sitting in front of him, tangled with Clary, is Jace. A _very alive_ Jace.

“They’re okay,” Alec gasps.

“Actually, they’re more than okay,” Izzy giggles. Clearly the wayward Shadowhunters were engaging in more-than-friendly contact when the trio stumbled upon them.

Alec cannot tear his eyes away from Jace. He scans him, searching for…something. Something to prove this isn’t a dream and that his _parabatai_ is alive. Alec isn’t sure _how_ that’s possible. He felt Jace die. He felt the tearing of their souls and the suffocating emptiness that followed. Confusion floods his brain as Jace climbs to his feet.

“Jace, I…I thought you were dead,” Alec stutters. He fights the emotions threatening to overtake him. “Our rune…it disappeared.”

Jace holds his gaze, steady and sure. “Look at it now.”

Without hesitation, Alec pulls up his shirt. On his left hip, black as the day Jace drew it on his skin, sits the _parabatai_ rune. Alec drops his shirt and returns his eyes to Jace’s mismatched ones. His confusion grows. “How?” he demands. He inwardly cringes at how distressed he sounds.

Jace hesitates. His gaze darts to Clary, who simply stands there, eyes red as her hair. When Jace looks back at Alec, something shutters in his eyes. “I don’t know,” he whispers.

And Alec knows he is lying. Jace never hesitates. His boldness, his rashness, is renowned at the New York Institute. For Jace to hesitate means he needs to create a response that runs contrary to the truth. Part of Alec wants to call him out. How dare he hide something as life-altering as a resurrected soul-bond?! Yet as Alec glances back at Valentine’s body, a sense of calm begins to seep into his bones. It chases the terror away. All the fear and fighting and searching for this one man…

“It’s over,” he mutters as he turns back to Jace. He hates that it sounds like a question, but he still can’t quite wrap his head around it. Did he really get his brother back?

“Yeah,” Jace breathes. They move toward each other before Jace finishes speaking. Alec feels a strong arm wrap around his shoulder as his own arm encircles Jace. He blinks tears away as he feels Jace – strong, warm, alive – against him. Even though he knows there is more to the story, he contents himself with knowing he won’t have to mourn his _parabatai_.

For now, it’s enough.


	12. I'll Be Safe In Your Sound 'till I Come Back Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He huffs a laugh. ‘Going out’ with Izzy and Jace always meant he ended up being a fifth wheel. He usually found himself nursing a warm beer, saving their table, while his siblings went and found hook-ups for the night. To be fair, that had changed in recent months. Izzy had Simon, Jace had Clary, and Alec…Alec used to have Magnus. Magnus, who was okay with sitting at an empty table with Alec because he couldn’t figure out how to dance. Magnus, who rolled his eyes at Jace’s antics and bonded with Izzy over fashion and cocktails. Magnus, who allowed Alec the space to figure out who he was as a person outside of Shadowhunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I missed updating last week. There was a death in our family and I just couldn't find the time or will to complete this chapter. The good news it's hear now! Not proof-read because who has time for that? 
> 
> I've also discovered that this is the penultimate chapter. I have one more up my sleeve (because I have a very clear idea of what Magnus and Alec did when they returned to Magnus's loft after the party) but that's it! I have another project I'll be working on soon, though. If you enjoyed this little snippet in time, stay tuned!

“Chaotic” fails to capture the two days following Valentine’s death. There are reports to file detailing the events on the shore; debriefings with Clave officials and various Institute Heads; uncovering Consul Malachi’s betrayal and securing him a cell in the Gaard; and of course all the standard operating procedures. Alec barely has time to catch a handful of hours to sleep, let alone worry about anything outside the four walls of his office.

Sometime near the end of the second day, Alec rereads the same sentence for the fifth time. He blinks in hopes it clears the cotton fog in his brain. This report marks the latest in a long string he’s been working on since lunch. After back-to-back meetings with the Clave all day yesterday, he dedicated this afternoon to catching up on daily reports. They began to blend together after the first two hours. Alec glances at the clock to discover the darkening sky outside his windows. Evening slipped in while he sequestered himself in his office.

A knock on his door has him dropping his pen to rub the exhaustion from his face. “Come in,” he grunts.

Isabelle flows into the office. She pauses when she catches sight of him. Before plopping into one of the chairs across from him. A plate of food finds its way in front of him, blocking the next report. He smiles at her.

“Thank you,” he murmurs. Then pauses. “Did you make this?”

She smiles sweetly. “Dare you to find out.”

Not willing to risk it, he pushes the plate aside. Izzy grins but otherwise remains quiet. Alec catches the mischief in her eyes. “What is it, Izzy?”

“There’s a party tonight at the Hunter’s Moon. Sort of a ‘we’re alive’ celebration. You need to come. I happen to know you have barely left this office in the last two days. And before you complain, I refuse to take no as an answer.”

Alec doesn’t fight his gut reaction to turn down her offer. “I can’t, Iz. These reports need to be out by tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, Alec, you are not turning me down. You have done nothing but work since…” she pauses, clearly choosing her next words carefully. Alec’s grip tightens on the pen he picked up again after discarding the plate of food. “Since Max was injured. You need a break, Alec. Please? I miss you coming out with me and Jace!”

He huffs a laugh. ‘Going out’ with Izzy and Jace always meant he ended up being a fifth wheel. He usually found himself nursing a warm beer, saving their table, while his siblings went and found hook-ups for the night. To be fair, that had changed in recent months. Izzy had Simon, Jace had Clary, and Alec…Alec used to have Magnus. Magnus, who was okay with sitting at an empty table with Alec because he couldn’t figure out how to dance. Magnus, who rolled his eyes at Jace’s antics and bonded with Izzy over fashion and cocktails. Magnus, who allowed Alec the space to figure out who he was as a person outside of Shadowhunting.

Alec glances up at his sister. “Will…Magnus be there?”

Alec arrives just in time to have a glass of…something (beer, maybe?) shoved into his hands for Luke’s enthusiastic toast and popping of champagne. A smile slides onto his face at the sheer joy on the faces around him. Tonight, the crowd isn’t full of Downworlders and Shadowhunters; tonight, they are simply _people_. While their shared experience may be one of pain and terror, they find joy in the fact that they came through it alive and mostly unscathed. Alec’s heart stutters as he remembers the lives lost because of the active Soul Sword. He remembers the terror of nearly losing Magnus. He sips his beer and pushes the thoughts away.

Alec moves deeper into the crowd. He promised Izzy he would enjoy himself and he plans to do just that. He scans the crowd for Jace, eager to be close to the _parabatai_ he nearly lost. Instead, his eyes trip over a certain golden-skinned warlock. Magnus leans against a partitioned wall, watching the world around him with a smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. A nearly full cocktail glass twirls idly between his fingers. Though he appears to be in the midst of the festivities, Alec notes how Magnus carefully avoids eye contact and conversation with those around him.

They only broke up a week ago. Alec finds this realization to be staggering. The exhaustion weighing him down finds a perfect mirror in the lines around Magnus’ lips and the barely-concealed bags beneath his eyes. Both of those were present when he hijacked the warlock into helping them close the rift just a few days ago. However, both have clearly gotten worse in that time. Could Magnus be hurting just as much as Alec?

He decides not to overthink this. Clutching his beer tightly in one hand, he begins to make his way across the room. A few people stop him to say hi, but he cuts them off before they can begin a full conversation. Anxiety ties his stomach in knots with every step that brings him closer to Magnus. Just before he reaches him, Magnus glances up at him. Alec’s formerly confident “Hey” leaves him in a breathless whisper.

Magnus keeps a polite smile on his face. “Hey,” he returns.

“You look like you…got your energy back.” And despite the tiredness hidden behind his makeup armor, Magnus does look more energetic and livelier than how Alec left him days ago.

Magnus hums. “My go-to home remedy after a major magic-depletion: boiling hot bath, eight ounce steak – medium rare—” Alec smiles at this important detail. “—and…a lot of these.” Magnus holds up the martini and eyes it appreciatively. He takes a healthy sip. Alec forces his eyes to remain on his face instead of watching the enticing bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallows. They may be exes now, but Magnus remains the most beautiful man he has ever seen. “Any sign of demons?” Magnus asks.

“None,” Alec huffs. “Sensor maps are completely clear of wraith demons. It’s the strangest thing. It’s like they…disappeared into thin air.” He spent a considerable amount of time the past 48 hours trying to figure out to where the demons could have disappeared. Just as he told Magnus, the maps are clear. No energy trail remains to show where they went. It is a mystery that puzzles and worries him.

“Well, then we can take this moment.” Magnus raises his glass. “To celebrate.”

Alec clinks his beer to the glass and smiles. He can’t deny that they have all earned this celebration. The threat of Valentine fostered too much fear and animosity between the Downworld and the Shadowhunters. He looks forward to a time of peace, no matter how short it may be.

But political peace isn’t why he sought out Magnus. Alec pauses, beer halfway to his lips, and watches as Magnus sips from his glass. His apologize sit heavy on his tongue. A party doesn’t seem like the best place to air them, but when else will Magnus allow him the chance to apologize properly?

“Can we talk?”

Magnus locks eyes with him. Alec forces himself to maintain that contact instead of flinching under the scrutiny of the eyes he loves too much. He can’t seem to read the emotions in them, too caught up in his fear of Magnus rejecting him.

Finally, Magnus presses his lips together. “Yeah,” he breathes. Alec pauses briefly, eyes scanning the room for a quiet place for them to talk. Seeing a door to the back hallway, he moves in that direction. Though the weather outside is a bit wet, the back alley should be quiet and secluded enough for them to talk.

Alec sighs heavily when he reaches the neon-lit alley. He spent the hour it took him to get dressed creating his apology. Not too long ago, Magnus told him he was great at apologies. He hopes this trend continues to hold true. Though he spent time thinking about how his actions hurt Magnus and the Downworld as a whole, he knows that Magnus does not have to accept his apology. He considers himself lucky that Magnus agreed to hear him out.

He stops a few yards away from the door and turns to watch Magnus approach. Tension lines the warlock’s shoulders. Clearly they both know this conversation will not be easy. He stops a few feet from Alec. They both pause, the silence stretching uncomfortably. Magnus diligently keeps his eyes focused anywhere but Alec.

“Magnus, I’m sorry.” The words leave him in a rush. Maybe, if he starts out strong with a clear apology, Magnus will stick around to hear the rest.

Before he can continue, Magnus speaks. “Don’t apologize.”

“No, I should’ve told you about the Soul Sword.”

“It’s in the past.” Magnus finally looks up at him, though only briefly. Guilt flashes through his eyes before he looks away. His arms cross in front of his chest. Alec fights not to allow panic flare though him at the motion. Magnus’s body language speaks of being closed off and unreceptive to his apology. Alec takes a moment to think about the words he scripted earlier. None of them feel right anymore. Clearly Magnus doesn’t want an apology for his actions. Somehow, it seems the shorter man had forgiven that particular transgression before they made it to this talk. Yet the hurt between them remains. Alec latches onto that.

“Magnus, ever since our…fights, I…” he breaks off as words again abandon him. Magnus chews his lip and looks away. The pain on his face shatters Alec’s heart. _He_ caused that pain. A pain which now forms a chasm between them, growing wider with every second he struggles to speak. Physical actions can’t cross this chasm; only words can soothe the hurt. He tries again for the words that will make Magnus know how sorry and hurt he is as well. “I can’t…I can’t think straight.” And he knows there is an innuendo in there somewhere, but he needs Magnus to understand that Alec is struggling, too.

Magnus shakes his head sadly. He quirks an eyebrow in frustration as his own words seem to be dredged up from the bottom of his soul. “Well, I can’t…do anything without thinking of you.”

“Magnus, I…” Alec takes a few hesitant steps forward. His next declaration, born of truth, love, frustration, and pain, comes easily. “I don’t think I can live without you.”

Doubtful brown eyes snap to his. Wariness settles across his face as his eyes scan Alec, searching for deception. Alec knows enough about Magnus’s past to understand how this declaration is one he yearns to believe but also hesitates to accept. A smile tugs at his lips as he shakes his head softly. He hopes his honesty and earnestness comes across clearly. It is a strong confession; he means every word. Alec hasn’t been _living_ the past week. He has been in survival mode, focusing on getting through the task immediately before him. It opened his eyes to just how much the warlock has become a staple in his life. Without Magnus, Alec is a shell of who he could be.

Several long moments pass in silence as Magnus continues to scrutinize him. Alec’s heart kicks into overdrive when the other man finally opens his mouth. A few breathless stutters leave him before he finds his words. “I thought I had to chose between you and the Downworld.” He pauses and shuffles slightly toward Alec. Some of the pain leaks out of his eyes. “But I don’t.” Alec struggles to keep a hesitant smile off his face. _Does Magnus mean…_ “A wise man once told me,” the warlock continues, slipping into a voice that intends to imitate Alec, “ _relationships take effort_.”

A small laugh escapes him as the smile spreads across his face. A matching smile appears on Magnus’s face as well. “Yeah,” Alec rasps. Emotions color his voice. He shakes his head in self-deprecation. “Well, that was an understatement.” He never pursued a relationship before Magnus, but Alec is pretty confident that most couples don’t have to deal with nearly as many difficulties as they have had to endure in their short time together. They stumbled over more than one speed bump and detour since that fateful kiss at his botched wedding with Lydia. But as Magnus said, it’s in the past. Now, his heart warms at the laugh that bubbles out of Magnus. They take a moment to calm down. Magnus takes a few more steps towards Alec as he speaks.

“You know what’s not an understatement?”

Alec searches Magnus’s face, hoping that this means what he thinks it means. The love shining through those beautiful brown eyes captures him and pulls him in. Alec is helpless to follow, his heart beating heavy in his chest. All the stress and pain drains from him as he steps into Magnus’s space. His hand comes up to rest on Magnus’s bicep, holding them both steady. Seconds later he feels a matching pressure on his own bicep. He leans down just that tiny distance to press his lips to Magnus’s waiting ones.

It’s a chaste kiss, given their semi-public location and the knowledge that pain does not simply disappear after an apology. Nonetheless, Alec loses himself to kissing Magnus. He refuses to allow the emotions of the past week to seep in. Those emotions represent pain, stress, failure, frustration. This kiss represents their new beginning. It warms him and gives him hope. Just as he begins to lose his breathe, they separate.

Alec blinks his eyes open to see the softness of Magnus’s face. His eyes remain closed a few moments longer as he cherishes their reunion. A smile graces his lips. Eventually, Magnus opens his eyes and glances at the hallway they came from.

“I’m…all into parties, but…what do you say we get out of here?”

Alec nods before he fully processed the question. “Yes,” he agrees breathlessly. The last thing he wants right now is to return to the party with too many people too close together. Already the exhaustion of too many nights spent protecting and fighting is catching up with him. He wraps an arm around Magnus as they leave the alley together.


	13. I Fall Into Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec huffs and glances down, breaking eye contact. He grabs one of Magnus’s hands and plays with the rings on his fingers. “We said a lot back there. You know how I feel about you, and I know you…think about me a lot.” A hint of a blush graces his pale cheeks when he meets Magnus’s eyes. “But we never actually got back together. Magnus are we dating again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, you guys. 
> 
> How did we make it here?!
> 
> THANK YOU to those of you who took the time to read this, whether you were here from the beginning or joined somewhere along this rise. Every comment and kudo gave me life and inspiration to continue. It wasn't always easy, but I enjoyed this experience.
> 
> I do have a few more ideas in the works. Nothing is set in stone just yet, but I am planning on having a new story coming out sometime this fall. For now, though, stay tuned!

Stepping out of the alley, Magnus tucks himself closer to Alexander’s side. They begin the trek back to the loft in companionable silence. Though a portal would have been quicker, Magnus appreciates Alexander’s willingness to take the long way home. He must not be the only one in need of prolonged physical contact of the simplest nature. Their past physical contact has a reputation for more… _heated_ touches (Magnus smirks at the memories). While he does not know where tonight will lead – nor is he planning on orchestrating their reunion to be a reminder of what his bedroom looks like – he contents himself with the knowledge that they are together again.

How could he have ever thought he would be okay without this? Alexander’s lean body radiates heat, chasing away the slight chill from the drizzle that started as they walked. His scent, something so uniquely _Alexander_ , fills his nose. The arm he draped across Magnus’s shoulder remains, keeping him pressed tight into his side. This Shadowhunter brings a sense of comfort and home that Magnus didn’t know he was missing until he was gone. Throughout his long life, Magnus has perfected the art of imploding his relationships, consciously or otherwise. It should not surprise him that he nearly managed to lose this one as well. Though they patched things back together, Magnus feels the unspoken words between them. One conversation is not enough to clear up a week’s worth of pain. He has more to say, but for now, he contents himself with basking in Alexander’s love.

They pause at a red light a block away from his apartment. Alexander’s arm, still wrapped around his shoulders, drops to his waist. He feels the Shadowhunter’s chest expand with breath as the light turns and they begin moving.

“Ma-Magnus?”

The stutter makes him smile. “Yes, darling?”

“Are we, um….you know…after our talk, I wasn’t sure if-if you…um…or if maybe we needed….”

Magnus waits, but Alexander’s halting question remains unfinished. He lifts his eyes to the taller man’s fact. Worry etches itself between those stunning hazel eyes and in the frown lines around his mouth. Magnus pulls him to a stop at the stairs to the entrance of his building. “Alexander, you know you can tell me anything, right?” He receives a shaky nod in response. “Good. Now, what are you overthinking in that beautiful brain of yours?”

Alec huffs and glances down, breaking eye contact. He grabs one of Magnus’s hands and plays with the rings on his fingers. “We said a lot back there. You know how I feel about you, and I know you…think about me a lot.” A hint of a blush graces his pale cheeks when he meets Magnus’s eyes. “But we never actually got back together. Magnus are we dating again?”

The question gives him pause. He runs through their conversation again. Heartfelt confessions and a stunning kiss aside, he realizes they did not define their relationship in so many words. Of course this would cause confusion for his dear Alexander. The man lives by definitions and rules. Magnus twists the hand Alec holds and links their fingers. “I realize that we didn’t cover everything we needed to in our first conversation. There are things I need you to know, but they can wait. For now, I would like to get back together with you, Alexander. If you’ll have me, of course.”

“Magnus, did you not hear me back there? I meant what I said: I can’t live without you. You’re…you’re it for me, Magnus.”

And oh.

Could Alexander feel how those words made his pulse stutter?

With a control born of years of practice, Magnus manages to shove aside his shock. A genuine smile lifts his lips. “Will you come upstairs?” he asks softly.

Alec nods, clearly just as stunned at this realization as Magnus. Quietly, the enter the building. The elevator pings softly before the doors swoosh open. They ride in silence. Magnus teases apart his Alexander’s words, his history of horrible relationships looking for the lie. He admits defeat as the doors open to the hallway outside his loft. Alexander’s actions line up with his words. If anything, it’s his own actions he should question. After all, _he_ left _Alec_. It was a morally gray area; one any leader would have questioned…except for Alec. Alec knew they would find a way to balance their dating life with their professional obligations. Yet Magnus dove headfirst into his old insecurities and abandoned ship. He vows to make it up to Alexander as they move forward.

He pushes open his loft door, feeling the warm tingle alerting him that Alec followed through past his wards. Anyone else would have been a sharp _ping_ against his senses as a warning about intruders. However, he never removed the key signature that recognizes Alexander as friend, not foe. Magnus shrugs out of his jacket and strides toward his drink cart while Alexander gravitates toward the couch.

“Dear Isabelle informed me of an interesting tidbit a few days ago,” Magnus calls over his shoulder. He stirs together the ingredients for his signature martini. James Bond had it wrong – martinis should always be stirred, not shaken.

“What did she tell you?” Alec’s response is heavy and a beat too slow to indicate full awareness. Magnus ponders that briefly while he combines the ingredients for a Shirley Temple for Alexander, with just a _splash_ of ginger beer to make it dirty.

“She mentioned that a certain Shadowhunter spent an inordinate amount of time lurking around my doorstep, keeping ungodly hours in some kind of midnight vigil. As the Head of the Institute, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, hm?” Magnus spins to face Alec. The guilty shock plastered across his face causes a smirk to slip onto his own face.

“I…she…how did…it wasn’t—” Alexander splutters, trying to pull some sort of comprehensible excuse out of his sleep-deprived brain.

Magnus chuckles softly and hands him the drink. Alexander takes it, barely grimacing at the hint of alcohol. “Don’t blame your dear sister. As it stands, I already knew you spent more than one night crouched on that stoop. How your legs did not revolt, I’ll never know. But Alexander…why?”

Because that question need an answer. _Why_ would Alexander forgo the necessity of sleep in favor of hiding in a doorway, just to watch his windows? _Why_ would he deprive himself and put himself in a vulnerable state during missions? He battled Edomei and went after _Valentine_ in that state, for God’s sake! Magnus feels the stirrings of rage simmer in his veins.

Alec lowers his glass to his lap, eyes unfocused yet trained on the faintly red liquid. ‘I couldn’t just…let you go, Magnus. With Jonathan and Valentine and everything that’s been going on, I couldn’t let you walk away and disappear into your life. I needed to…to _do_ something. I knew you wouldn’t let me protect you if I asked. So I….didn’t ask. I stayed in that doorway every night for…two nights? Three nights? I don’t know, everything is blending together now. Izzy yelled at me when she found out how many stamina runes I’d been using.” A sheepish smile tilted his lips up. “But I couldn’t sleep knowing you were out here by yourself.”

Magnus allows those words to wash over him. Alexander ran all the way to Brooklyn to sit outside his loft for God knows how many hours, night after night, to _protect_ him. Never mind the fact that Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn and for good reason: his power isn’t anything to scoff at. The rage vanishes, replaced by something warm and soft that Magnus isn’t ready to name. He blinks and tils Alec’s face up with one finger. Alec allows the movement though his face is guarded. Magnus leans in and presses their lips together softly. He allows the motion of his mouth to say what his words cannot. When the part, he smiles gently.

“You continue to surprise me,” he murmurs against the Shadowhunter’s lips. Alec simply smiles. Magnus notices the exhaustion beginning to creep into his eyes. “Have you slept since our return from Lake Lyn?” Alec shrugs noncommittally. Magnus huffs. “Stubborn, self-sacrificing Shadowhunters. First, you need to eat dinner. I imagine you forgot to eat, and whatever Isabelle brought you was likely inedible. Food, and then to bed with you. Let me get the takeout menus.”

Magnus presses a quick kiss to Alec’s cheek before standing. He dims the lights with a wave of his hand as he makes his way to the kitchen. It takes him just a few minutes to gather the various takeout menus, not knowing which would strike Alexander’s fancy tonight. “Darling, would you prefer Mexican or Ethiopian? There’s a quaint little restaurant that just opened a few blocks away that I’ve been meaning to try…”

He trails off as he returns to the living room. Alexander is sprawled across the couch, one arm hanging over the edge. His quiet snores indicate his deep sleep. Magnus smiles. Clearly the younger man was significantly more exhausted than he let on. With a twist of his wrist, the couch expands in both directions, ensuring that Alexander won’t have a sore back or a crick in his neck tomorrow morning. With a few more wisps of magic, he changes them into pajamas and summons the duvet from his bed. He crawls onto the expanded couch and throws the blanket over both of them.

As he curls into Alexander’s side, he thanks his lucky stars that this stubborn Shadowhunter chose him.


End file.
